


Ways of Being

by AltUniverseWash



Series: Born of Want [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming Out, Dating, Depression, Earth C (Homestuck), Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, F/F, Gen, Gender, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, June Egbert - Freeform, Moving On, Multi, Narrator banter, Narrator insert, Non-Binary Roxy Lalonde, Non-binary character, Other, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Redemption, Regret, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, The Homestuck Epilogues, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans John Egbert, Transfemme, Transfemme John Egbert, non-binary, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 32,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24681331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltUniverseWash/pseuds/AltUniverseWash
Summary: In an alternate Earth-C where June Egbert never made the fateful choice to indulge in meat or candy, a long-awaited friend returns from her search among the stars.When Terezi Pyrope comes back from her quest for Vriska empty-handed, she turns to June for comfort in her time of grief. Comfort turns to the ignition of the embers of feelings that both of them left unspoken for years. Now June must face the fact that her feelings for Terezi and Roxy arecomplicated- made even more so by Terezi's unresolved feelings towards Vriska and Roxy's own struggles with their identity.
Relationships: Jade Harley/Kanaya Maryam/Rose Lalonde, June Egbert/Roxy Lalonde, June Egbert/Terezi Pyrope, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Series: Born of Want [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754740
Comments: 12
Kudos: 47





	1. Home Again, Home Again

**Author's Note:**

> Content/trigger warning: This fic deals with emotionally heavy themes in general, including suicide, depression, relationship anxiety, gender issues, and grief. I will provide trigger warnings before particularly rough chapters, but as a general note it can be heavy going at times.
> 
> I do my utmost to handle these issues in a respectful and ultimately uplifting manner in a way that isn't reader-antagonistic - but please be aware that these themes are present before you read.

Oh great, this horseshit again. Didn’t you get tired of doing this the last time? And I saw what you wrote before this. It’s right there.

Tagged and properly categorized, yes.

Disgusting. An absolute pile of filth if ever I saw any. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Why? Being ashamed isn't really my brand, you know?

What are you going to ruin now? I feel like I can reach out and skim what you’re thinking – see all the places your stupid little brain wants to go. All the little narrative paths you think will…   
  
Wait, what?   
  
Seriously?   
  
_That’s_ what you’re going with?   
  
Did you _just_ have that idea? Like, just now? What the hell?!

* * *

June liked to go out at night and stare up at the sky – at the pin-pricked canopy of velvet black that stretched above her and into the infinity of the cosmos. She didn’t know the names of the stars, because no one had bothered to give them names yet. To be fair, she hadn’t known the names of the stars back on Old Earth either, so the effect wasn’t as dramatic as it might’ve been. But there was still a kind of ill-at-ease feeling that came with the knowledge that she was staring up into a different sky.

She was alone this night. Sometimes, Roxy would come out and join her. Together they would sit under the starlit expanse and hold hands… sometimes more than hold hands. Usually more than hold hands. June blushed at the thought and wrapped her arms around herself. Roxy was busy tonight – doing something-or-other related to the Carapacians. She and Jade had been spending a lot of time working on some kind of big reservoir project.

June missed Roxy – not like she wouldn’t see her again in a few hours, but June loved sharing this with her. Even though neither of them knew jack-shit about stars, they both appreciated the raw, unfiltered majesty of it.

We’re also apparently both big fans of fucking outside…

June’s face went very, _very_ red and she was suddenly glad that no one was around to see. The boldness of the thought – that was something Roxy was more comfortable with, and June wasn’t sure she’d ever be. Still, it was a nice thought to linger on, at least sometimes. June smiled to herself.

A speck of light burned bright on the canopy, streaking along – June realized that she was witnessing a shooting star! She couldn’t remember actually having seen one of those before on Earth-C, so this felt important.

I’m supposed to make a wish, right?

She shut her eyes.

I wish they’d come back.

She opened her eyes. The dot of light had grown in size and was traveling lower, glowing red-hot as it blasted through the atmosphere. A meteor? Was that the right word? June couldn’t remember the distinction – Jade would know. A big chunk of rock that had survived the trip through the atmosphere and was going to crash-land on Earth-C.

That hadn’t happened yet on Earth-C either… well, not to June’s knowledge anyway. She figured it could’ve easily happened sometime in the last year or so, given that so much of the planet was essentially unexplored.

That’s gonna hit hard!

It was roaring in over the horizon now, burned bright, then dim-red, then cooled to invisible but June could still hear it. Close enough that the whistling of the object as it flew along the distant trees was clearly audible. And that was something – it wasn’t falling like it was supposed to.

A brief, panicked thought hit her.

What if…

And suddenly it became _very_ important to know where the object was going to land! June stood up and drew into herself – she felt herself lift off the ground in a swirl of displaced air. Focusing on the distant sound, she willed herself forward at speed. The ground dropped away and she was into the cool night air now – the world growing dim and far away and only the speckled blanket of sky and the whistling of that far-away maybe-meteor to guide her.

She pushed herself forward, wrapped in the breeze and carried forward as the whistling thing dropped down, down, down…

Far away, she heard the uproarious crash as the object hit the trees and came in hard. Cracking branched, snapping limbs, and the dull pile of something slamming into the soft earth of the pine forest where the object had come to rest. June couldn’t see where it had hit, but she knew enough –

Focus.

She closed her eyes and pictured the forest – the intuition came easily now. A year of practice made this second-nature to her, as much as flying or swinging her hammer.

The world came unglued.

She would never, ever really get used to that feeling.

* * *

When the world put itself back together, June was standing in the pine forest. All around, the smell of the trees sat heavy in the still night. Beyond that gentle edge, there was the thick-sweet smell of sap from newly-wounded pine trees and the acid burn of scorched needles. Ghost-lights of small fires dotted the forest, and June followed them in, using her wind to draw in dirt to extinguish them one-by-one as she sought the trail left by the falling object.

It wasn’t hard to find. It had hit the top of the treeline and come in hard, breaking branches and snapping trunks with wild abandon. The forest was a younger one, devoid of any of the truly massive pines that might’ve stopped the thing’s descent. Instead, they all yielded into splintered shards that now dotted the forest floor.

The path cleaved lower and lower until, at last, June saw the impact in the pine needle carpet that carved into the soft loam underneath. A streak carved dull and dark that she could barely see by the light of the moon and the stars. It was so dark in the forest – but June walked forward, moving by the vague light from overhead and tracing the path the falling thing had hewn for her in the soft dirt.

At the end of that newly-formed road, she saw it.

June dropped all pretense of calm and ran forward, stumbling on the chewed-up ground and almost falling. She stumbled in, her hands piling into the soft dirt and coming back covered in a mixture of earth and pine-sap that smelled strongly and stuck to her skin.

No! No, it can’t be!

The vague shape of the thing began to resolve itself in the darkness – a metallic frame that had once had wings. They’d snapped off somewhere in the fall. The automatic safety systems had engaged, forming a dull, metallic cocoon around the occupant of the glider-frame. It still hissed and popped, hot from the re-entry but rapidly cooling.

Be okay! Be okay!

She chanted the command to herself, but not _at_ herself. She was in front of the hissing, metal thing now – lying half-buried in the dirt.

Another hiss, a pop, and the escape hatch half-heartedly tried to open. It was jammed on something. June focused into herself, drew in the wind, and launched it full-force against the escape hatch. With a shriek of grinding metal screams, the hatch was ripped aside and flung into a nearby pine, battering the trunk with a dull noise and then falling silently into the soft bed of pin needles below.

June was at the hatch, looking down. The emergency lighting shone dull red within – flickering and fading, but enough to clearly make out the occupant – still harnessed into her safety restraints.

She looked so much different than the last time June had seen her. Gaunt and stretched-thin from the lack of eating – her eyes sunken and strangely hollow. Her glasses had come off in the crash.

Thank god she was still breathing! Still moving, trying to free herself. But she was so weak.

“Terezi!” June shouted as she leaned in the hatch, heedless of the still-hot metal that tried to singe her skin. It would be red in the morning, but June didn’t care.

Terezi Pyrope groaned and tried to undo the safety restraint, but she was so much weaker than June remembered. She could barely work the latch. June leaned inside, pushed the tab on the buckle, and scooped Terezi up. She was so much lighter than she remembered her being.

“I tried so hard…” Terezi was sobbing as June pulled her from the wreckage of the glider frame. “Tried so hard…” A shake – a cry that June felt on her chest.

June wasn’t sure how safe it would be to stand near the wreckage. She was pretty sure that these things only suddenly exploded in movies, but _pretty sure_ wasn’t very sure. She lifted Terezi onto her shoulder and gathered the wind around her again, lifting off the ground and brushing up through the pine forest again. She didn’t want to try zapping around – not with Terezi so weak.

“I knew…” she heard the whispered voice in her ear – close enough to feel the hot breath against her neck as it was said. “I knew you’d be the first one to find me…”

And that was all – Terezi fell silent and her breathing shifted into a ragged measure as she passed out.

June held her close, perilously high above the heavy pine-scent of the forest, and carefully flew her to safety.


	2. Starfell

Clear of the forest, June set Terezi down gently on a grassy hill and set to watch for fires springing up in the distance where she might’ve missed a spark here or there. The dry pine needles were a natural tinderbox, after all – June felt uncomfortable with the idea of leaving the potential for an all-consuming forest fire, but she also felt uncomfortable leaving Terezi alone.

So she split the difference and watched. And waited.

After twenty minutes, June was sure that nothing was going to set the night ablaze, and she turned her attention back to Terezi.

Terezi Pyrope, who had gone out into the depths of space to look for Vriska Serket. Who had returned by herself. June wanted to say _empty-handed_ but it felt too on-the-nose, given the circumstances. Because for all the harm that Vriska had done and, perhaps, could still do… in spite of all that, June missed her. And if Terezi was back now, after everything.

Vriska’s dead.

Or maybe not _dead_ in the sense of finding a body and holding a funeral. Just kind of… _gone._ Gone in the sense of never getting closure and not knowing for sure what even happened.

That’s so much worse.

Terezi lay on the ground, still out cold and taking soft, slightly-ragged breaths that could be _heard_ as much as seen. The rasp of the air in and out of her lungs – no doubt injured by the time spent out in space and the harsh return to Earth-C. She looked as though she would be stirring fitfully, but she didn’t have the energy for it.

She looked _frail_ for the first time that June had ever seen. From the beginning, Terezi had always exuded an intense energy that seemed inexhaustible. Now she was gaunt and worn – sunken in places that she shouldn’t be. Her clothes were dirty and she smelled bad – an odor that was vaguely, but not completely, familiar.

What was she supposed to _do?_ Of course she’d hope that Terezi would come back some day – had hoped and thought and even tried praying about it once or twice. For all the good that did – Terezi had stayed out there in the black beyond and remained forever out of reach. Until now.

She’d held Terezi’s limp, emaciated form in her arms and she didn’t know what to do. June pulled out her phone.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
FRI 10:47 pm got an emergency here!  
need you down here like NOW!  
Roxy  
sup windy grrrl?  
terezi just came back!  
i'm up by the hill we always go to stargaze  
Roxy  
yeah? no shit!  
b rite there, grl  
hld onto ur buttt!  


It wasn’t supposed to be like this! Terezi was supposed to come back with Vriska and everything was supposed to be okay. Vriska had pulled herself out of worse – June had helped with that! She’d helped save her so she could go back and… and…

June was crying. The tears burned her eyes and fell in droplets to patter on Terezi’s sallow face, lying in her lap.

Vriska’s… dead…

It was so paralyzingly _real_ now. Just like before – just like waiting to meet her for all that time, only to find she had been dead already. Except now it was somehow worse. Because, despite everything, June still thought of Vriska as her friend. Her friend that she’d worked to save – her friend that had done so much bad, but had the potential to do so much good. She was gone – was a nothing now that would never face redemption of condemnation but in the theater of the mind.

June cried, cradling Terezi and shaking softly. Small and alone… and afraid.

* * *

Wait a minute… I’m _dead?!_ That’s not possible!

Honestly, I’d be fine with you suggesting an alternative at this point. This hurts to watch… I’m sorry. It must be hard for you too.

No! Fuck this shit – I’m just going to… wait…

_Where’s my body?!_

I’m so sorry. I couldn’t… I couldn’t help you this time. I wanted to.

Then why not just fucking _do it?!_ Oh god am I crying? Can I even cry?!

I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

June needs my help! Terezi needs me! They… they…

...they deserve to be happy.

* * *

After some time, Terezi’s eyes opened again – bleary red stained with the ash of fatigue. She couldn’t see June, but her nose twitched.

“Egbert?” she groaned softly. “June… I’m back…”

June smiled. “Yeah, you’re back!”

It hurt to watch her as she struggled to sit up, her hands grasping desperately at June’s shoulder – clutching like bony claws worn thin with too many days spent without food or sleep. She leaned heavily forward on June’s chest, her breathing ragged and halting.

“Everything hurts…” she murmured, almost to herself. And June could almost _feel_ the pain. Could feel how the ache spread deep into her bones… inside of her soul. The pain went so deep – so much deeper than the mere surface level of the muscles and bones.

“I know.” June leaned in, cradled the troll in her arms. Terezi pressed in, sighed heavily.

“I never found her, June.” That was all she needed to say. The rest was self-evident. June found herself crying again, tears seeping in well-worn channels down her cheeks.

“Thank you.” A small voice – not the usual boisterous Terezi. This was the worn-out Terezi… the Terezi that had put everything she had into her search and come back empty-handed. This was the Terezi who had seen the worst possible outcome, risked the odds anyway… only to have her hopes dashed against the rocks of the collapsing universe they had escaped from.

June closed her eyes tight and the tears flowed freely, tumbling down in miniature rivers.

She felt a soft pressure on her lips. The slightest touch of moisture and warmth.

And then it was gone.

She opened her eyes to see Terezi smiling – a smile that held the weight of eons behind it. A smile that had peered into the abyss beyond time itself and found nothing at all.

“Thank you, June. For waiting for me.”


	3. That Which Burns Brilliant

I’ll be honest with you – when you set out the last time, I thought you were a weak-willed sack of shit. But I underestimated you. You’ve got a real flair for dramatic purpose.

I beg your pardon?

You’re really leaning into this now! I’m almost proud of you, were that an emotion I allowed myself to feel.

Does he ever shut up or is he always like this?

It’s pretty much like this all the time, yeah.

I liked him better before he ascended.

Me too.

I’m right here, you insincere asses!

It’s like I can still hear his voice…

::::)

Oh fuck you both!

* * *

“Jade?! We’re coming in!” June called out as they all stumbled through the door, with Terezi awkwardly supported between Roxy and June. From inside the house, June heard the sound of running feet. A moment later, her sister Jade appeared, wearing only her underwear and a faded t-shirt. She saw Terezi and her mouth dropped.

“She’s back!” Jade cried out and ran over to Terezi. “Are you okay? What happened? Did you find Vriska?”

Terezi grinned at her – an expression that was mostly exhaustion. “Hey, cutie…” Her head slumped down and the grin disappeared.

“I’ve got her,” Jade said. She waved a hand and Terezi floated unsupported in mid air, groaning softly. “I’ll take her to the spare room.”

June was glad her sister was home – Jade would come and go without much advance notice, and she was often staying over with Kanaya and Rose. Normally that wasn’t a problem – June liked having the place to herself sometimes. Or her and Roxy… but right now, she needed help. She needed to know what to do.

“It’s okay.” Roxy’s hand was on her shoulder, gently – June turned to look and saw her face smiling. “I’m glad you were out there to go get her. Who knows what would’ve happened.”

Warm lips pressed up against hers in the night.

“Yeah, I know,” June returned the smile and reached out toward Roxy – she took her hand and squeezed. “I don’t know what happened but she came back alone.”

The implication didn’t need to be expanded on because they both knew what it meant. There was only one way Terezi would’ve returned by herself, and it was if she was fairly certain Vriska was dead.

* * *

I’m not dead though! Shit… she just _left_ me out here? There? Where _am_ I?!

I’ve got some potentially bad news for you…

* * *

They were sitting on the couch in the living room for a while – June lost track of the time, but Roxy was holding her so things felt okay. As okay as they were going to get right in that moment, anyway. She was worried about Terezi… it was hard to imagine that she could be so frail as she’d gotten. Even heading out to go find Vriska, she’d seemed so confident.

Maybe she was just trying to convince herself?

“She’ll be okay,” Roxy said quietly. She squeezed June’s waist. “You know TZ’s tough as a bag of rusty nails and shit.”

“I know…” She was really trying to make June feel better, and June didn’t want her to feel like it was appreciated. But she hadn’t pulled Terezi out of that wreck and felt how insubstantial she was and wondered how she’d ever managed to survive.

“I know it’s bad, windy girl.” Roxy leaned in and put her hand behind June’s head – she tucked June into the hollow of her neck. Roxy still smelled faintly of the perfume she’d worn during the day. June closed her eyes – let herself drift back – and sighed heavily. “It’s bad but she’ll be okay.”

She’s not okay…

It seemed like the wrong word to use. _Okay_ was when things were basically fine. When maybe you were feeling a little bit down, or had a bad day at work, but everything was essentially fine. When you’d barely crawled your way back from a fruitless search to find your…

What were Vriska and Terezi to each other? Friends? Rivals? Lovers? Probably all three, June figured. The troll relationships sometimes eluded her, and sometimes it was easier to just throw up her hands and admit it was complicated rather than try to pick apart the nuances of something that wasn’t necessarily her business.

Lips pressed against hers in the night – and what did _that_ mean?

“Are _you_ okay, June?” Roxy sounded concerned. June smiled at her – that was an _I’m okay_ smile. She hoped it was, anyway.

“I’m just worried, that’s all. The crash… you didn’t see how _bad_ it looked, okay? I’m just a little bit freaked out!”

Hands went in her hair, gentle brown fingertips mingled with the black waves and massaging her scalp. June closed her eyes and let out a long, heavy breath.

“It’s okay to be worried,” Roxy’s whisper was warm against June’s ear. She nodded.

“I know… I know.”

* * *

Why can’t I remember anything? I’m seeing this… is that even the right fucking _word?!_

Experiencing it?

But things all run together and I can’t see myself anymore! June’s right, isn’t she? I’m dead!

So, about that… I don’t know if _dead_ is necessarily the right word. More like…

Shit, I’m not sure how to put it.

You’d better start trying or I’ll…

Fuck! I don’t know that I can even threaten you like this!

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you can.

* * *

Jade came back downstairs after another twenty minutes and her face told June everything she needed to know before Jade even opened her mouth to speak.

“She’s resting,” Jade said softly. “I mean, she really needs someone to take a look at her and make sure she’s not dying or something.”

“I’ll call one of the troll docs in the morning,” June replied. “They’ll know what to do.”

The look on Jade’s face changed – she shifted her eyes to the side and fidgeted. “I’m not so sure about that…”

“Jade?” June narrowed her eyes and stared at her sister. “What is it?”

“Uh…” Jade refused to meet June’s gaze. “This is gonna sound weird, but I don’t know if a doctor can help. There’s something odd about Terezi.”

“Odd?” June wished she’d be more specific – now wasn’t the time.

“I’m sorry,” Jade’s voice was pleading. “I wish I could say more, but it’s more a feeling than anything else. She doesn’t _smell_ right – doesn’t smell like she did before. And not just cause of the whole almost-dying thing. It’s like something out there changed her. I don’t know how exactly.”

“Maybe Jane could help her?” June didn’t see much of her… grandmother? She wasn’t even sure how that worked exactly, so she usually ended up just calling her a cousin. Jane had briefly flirted with the idea of running for political office before deciding it was a ridiculous idea and deciding to train as a doctor.

* * *

A fucking _doctor_ are you serious?! You think that Jane Crocker, heiress to the Crocker Corp brand, is going to be satisfied as a mere doctor?

I must concur – it seems out of character.

Oh boy you’re back now. Both of you. Great sense of timing, by the way. Very cool to interrupt like that.

You’re being… sarcastic.

Give the cherub a prize, people, they figured it out.

I still don’t believe it. Of all the things – not a CEO or a powerful politician but a nobody-ass doctor!

So did ascending to your ultimate self just make you a complete jackass? Because you were friends with Jane. You knew her during the game – when she was so concerned with trying to heal all her friends. You know… like a doctor.

The ultimate self can’t be conceptualized in such simple terms. To put it in a way that your small brain would be able to understand, I’ve developed an awareness of my own existence so thorough that my very perception of reality has been altered. To view me in light of what I _was_ is, at best, pure folly. In truth, I’m the embodiment of something far greater than the sum of those individual component parts. The Dirk who awoke within the game – the Dirk who saw his friends die – the Dirk who ultimately fought to win the game – the Dirk who–

It occurs to me that you still exist in this timeline. Not… whatever _you_ are… but a normal-ass Dirk who’s playing soccer with Jake and knows that their friend Jane is a goddamn doctor.

I refuse to acknowledge his existence just as the most powerful gaming PC ever built refuses to acknowledge the existence of a single capacitor within its overall circuitry.

Oh… my… _FUCK!_ Can you _please_ shut up and stop talking?! I’m having an existential fucking crisis over here and all I can hear is you going on about stupid hoofbeast shit. I don’t remember you being this in love with your own fucking voice.

It was different before – we’ve both changed. For the better? For the worse? Who’s to say?

It was absolutely for the worse.

* * *

“It’s as good idea as any.” Jade nodded, finally meeting June’s gaze. Her sister didn’t look _happy_ but she at least looked like she thought the plan would probably work. “Jane’s brought folks back from a lot worse, that’s for sure!”

Jade ruffled her hands through her mane of deep-black curls and stretched – her back popped and she groaned. “Look, June, I’m exhausted – I was working all day and I wasn’t expecting Terezi to pop back in like this. I’m going to bed, okay? Terezi’ll be fine until the morning.”

“Okay, sure,” June nodded to her sister, who nodded back before wandering off to try to catch some sleep.

“I gotta get going too, windy girl,” Roxy said quietly. “But if you need anything, just let me know and I’ll come right over.” Roxy leaned in and kissed June on the lips – a touch of warmth and moisture that ended too soon. June smiled.

“Thank, Rox – I’ll let you know.”

June was alone once again – Jade and Terezi asleep and Roxy off to go home to bed. June pulled out her phone, not knowing exactly what she was going to say.

Rose (@tentacleTherapist)  
  
SAT 1:34 am rose whenever you see this  
terezi is back but she's not looking so great  
just wanted to let you know, okay? rox and Jade helped get her to bed  
i'm gonna ask Jane for help too  


Jane (@gutsyGumshoe)  
  
SAT 1:37 am hey Jane, I need a huuuuuge favor here  
terezi came back but she's looking kinda  
uh  
like she's maybe dying? i dunno  
can you come over and look at her please? i'll owe you, for real!  


That’ll have to do for the night.

June leaned back into the couch and sighed to herself. She couldn’t help but worry – she’d kind of gotten used to the idea of Terezi just always being out there looking for Vriska. Sometimes she’d get a text from her, sometimes it would be a long time. There seemed to be some disconnect in time between the two places, and June always suspected that the black hole had a lot to do with that. But still – it had become a routine that had a _normal_ feel to it.

Now Terezi was back and for the first time in a while June felt genuinely afraid.

What if she died – after everything she’d been through, that didn’t seem as impossible as it once had.

What if she _didn’t_ die.

June tucked her legs up under herself and curled into a ball on the couch. Tears flowed freely, rolling down as she silently cried. She was worried and afraid for what would happen to Terezi. Now that the illusion of normality had finally been destroyed, all she could be was worried…

And afraid.


	4. In the Small Hours

She had no idea how long she’d been asleep for, but when June heard the squeaky board at the entrance to the living room, she was up with a start – she’d fallen asleep on the couch. The room was dark but for a sliver of light coming in from the kitchen light that they left on above the sink – she had no idea what time it was. In that faint half-light, June could see a figure standing in the doorway.

“Terezi?!” June stood up from the couch. “What are you doing up?”

The shadowed figure stumbled forward, lurching through the darkness. In a brief moment of panic, June knew that she’d died and reanimated somehow! She’d become some kind of zombie and the Terezi she knew and was friends with was gone forever! June’s heart raced – what was she supposed to…

Terezi flopped down next to her on the couch, the stiff leather barely giving way as she slid over toward June.

“What the fuck did you do?!” Terezi hissed at June, turning to her with an expression that was a mix of anger and resentment. “I was so close to finding her!”

The fleeting, irrational terror of before was replaced with a deep confusion. “I didn’t do anything… you crashed your spaceship thingy in the woods near where I was and I hauled you out. You were by yourself.”

June felt a shove and she was pushed back on the couch as Terezi leapt to her knees, crouching over June. Her breathing was rapid and shallow – her hands pressed down on June’s shoulders.

“Terezi, what are you–”

“Shut the fuck up, June!” she leaned over – her lips seconds from June’s…

And she collapsed forward, her whole weight suddenly pressing down on June’s chest. It wasn’t much – June realized once again how fragile she felt. Terezi sobbed, pushing her face into June’s shoulders. Tears stained the edges of that same t-shirt she’d been wearing the night before. She had no idea what she was supposed to do – was she supposed to hold Terezi? Say something? Comfort her?

June settled for putting her arms around Terezi and squeezing lightly. She worried that if she were to press too hard, she might break something inside the troll. It was probably a nonsense fear, but June didn’t want to take chances.

“I tried so fucking hard…” Terezi muttered into June’s shoulder, her hot breath seeping through the t-shirt and into June’s skin. “I wanted to find her, but she just… she wasn’t there.”

* * *

FUCK! I’m right here! I’m right here, Terezi! Fucking fuck fuck _fuck!_

Oh you’re as eloquent as they come, aren’t you?

_Shut the fuck up!_ Why can’t she hear me?! Why can’t I do anything?!

Afraid you’re in this for the duration. I wish I could tell you otherwise.

Don’t you understand – _I need to be there!_ I should’ve been there before, and now…

You can’t.

* * *

“I missed you…” Terezi had turned and the breath was on her neck now – June shifted and the room seemed to be getting warmer. “I wanted to tell you before.”

“You’re just saying that because–”

The warm sensation of lips pressed into her neck. June’s mind froze mid-sentence.

This is happening I guess!

“Missed you, you clueless dork.” And without another word, Terezi rolled sideways onto the couch and passed out.

June struggled to find her phone – it had slipped down and landed on the floor. Pulling it back, she saw an unread message from Jane.

Jane (@gutsyGumshoe)  
  
SAT 1:37 am can you come over and look at her please? i'll owe you, for real!  
SAT 4:28 am Jane  
Gosh dang it June! Why didn't you just CALL?!  
I'm coming to you now - give me a half hour!  
Keep an eye on Terezi and make sure she doesn't kick the bucket before I get there!  


She peered at the time in the corner of the phone screen – ten to five in the morning. Jane should be here soon. In hindsight, calling her probably would’ve been a better idea. It just didn’t seem like an _emergency_ at the time. Well, maybe June didn’t want to _see it_ as an emergency. Didn’t want to admit that the same Terezi who had walked through hell to make sure she could retcon the timeline. This Terezi – the same Terezi – felt broken and alone.

* * *

Oh fuck you! Fuck all of you! This is such goddamn wiggler-tier shit! I’ll break out of this and then I will fucking murder all of you!

Ha! That’s me laughing, you see. Because what you’re describing is impossible. Even I have been as of yet unable to affect the timeline we see unfolding before us.

Dirk is correct – I have also been quite unable to influence events.

_FUCK!!!!!!!!_

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, a knock on the door to the house signalled the arrival of Jane Crocker. June carefully extricated herself from Terezi’s arms and walked to the door, her bare feet moving soundlessly over the wooden floor. She opened the door to see Jane standing there in pajamas, holding a medical bag.

“I came as soon as I saw your message. Next time there’s a dang medical emergency, please use your phone as a dang _phone_ for Pete’s sake!” She pushed past June and into the living room. “Where’s Terezi?”

June pointed wordlessly to the couch and Jane bustled over, setting her medical bag down and kneeling next to Terezi. She put a hand on the troll’s wrist and muttered something to herself.

“Her pulse is weak and she’s clearly malnourished,” she glared up at June. “None of you thought that maybe you should call the friend you have who is literally a doctor? The maid of life? No? Not ringing any bells?” She sounded annoyed, and June felt herself flushing red.

“Sorry, it was a lot.”

“What’s going to be _a lot_ is if she ends up six feet under because she didn’t receive proper medical care.” Jane reached into her bag and produced a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope. “She’s going to need hospital care, most likely. There’s a hospital nearby with troll doctors on staff – I’ll call them in a minute and let them know we’re coming right away.”

June shuffled her feet, then looked down at them. She had very interesting feet – very interesting indeed. She liked the way the shade of brown contrasted with the light oak of the floor… always thought it looked really cool. Very nice feet.

The kind of feet that definitely didn’t belong to a very embarrassed woman who’d just maybe almost let her friend possibly die because she didn’t think to call instead of texting.

“Is she going to be okay?” June heard the worry in her own voice – she was trying to keep it to _worry_ and not _panic._

Jane sighed heavily. “Honest opinion? Maybe. Her pulse is weak, her blood pressure is low, and she appears to be both malnourished and dehydrated.”

“Can’t you, like, _heal_ her?” June could feel herself starting to shake.

“What do you think I’m doing? I’ve been trying to heal her since I started examining her.”

“Oh… I thought it would be like… glowy or something.” June’s face was getting hot. “Sorry.”

“Glowy?” Jane raised an eyebrow. “You’re a grade-A prime dork, June Egbert, you know that? It doesn’t matter – there’s limits to what I can do when she’s this weak. And she’s not god tier so if she goes toes-up, that’s curtains for her. She needs to be in a hospital.”

* * *

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!

Look, I know this is frustrating, but… whatever this is you’re trying to do isn’t going to help.

Look, you can change things, right?

Yes. I made some changes at the beginning.

Goddamn bullshit is what you did.

Shut up. Anyway – yes, I made some changes, but it’s different here. It’s different with you… like this.

Wait a minute… you tried to change this, didn’t you? You tried to put me back in there, at the very least!

...

You goddamn bitch! You didn’t even say anything but you–

It didn’t work.

What?!

I said it didn’t work. I tried to shift things so that you were back on Earth-C… just… showed up with no real explanation. But that just kind of didn’t work. Like something was blocking me from doing it. Then I tried to change things in the past so you never went into that black hole but… that didn’t work either. Every path that stretched out either had you in the black hole or it had everyone else dying. Or most people dying. Or _you_ dying.

This was literally the best possible outcome I could get. I’m so, so sorry.

* * *

“Okay, I just talked to admissions – they’ve got a bed ready for her and we’re going to fly her over like right the heck now, okay?” Jane said it in a way that suggested there wasn’t any room for discussion on the matter.

June was glad. She didn’t want Terezi to die – didn’t want Terezi to be hurt. She’d spent so much time wishing that Terezi could come back, but now she _was_ back and everything felt so _wrong._ She wasn’t supposed to come back by herself like this – she was supposed to come back with Vriska. And then they could all be happy together and build a life together and everything would be fine.

It wasn’t that simple. Nothing was ever that simple.

“Thank you.” June’s voice was tiny in the echoing living room. Terezi was still on the couch, not sleeping but genuinely _passed out._ Jane was right – she needed to be in a hospital. “I mean it. Thank you.”

June walked up and hugged Jane – she felt Jane pat her back.

“Yeah… you’re welcome. Let’s just get her to the hospital first, okay? You can thank me when she’s feeling better.”


	5. In Hospice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content/trigger warning: This chapter depicts major character death and suicide.

It was too cold in the hospital waiting room – June wondered why they had the air conditioning up so high. Maybe it was better for the patients? That seemed wrong, but June wasn’t a doctor. She should ask Jane about that – _Jane, why do they keep it so fucking cold in here?_

No, that was too much. June shifted in her seat uncomfortably, hoping that someone would tell her what was going on. She already felt bad enough about not taking Terezi into the hospital, and now she had to wait to even know if her friend was okay.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 6:12 am we're at the hospital now  
jane and the doc took Terezi into a room and gave her fluids and stuff, I guess. i dunno. whatever trolls need?  
Roxy  
u doin okay?  
what do you mean?  
Roxy  
tz waz ur friend  
our friend  
but moar ur frien  
shel b o-k!!!!  
i'm sorry - I'm just tired is all  
i got like three hours of sleep and Terezi woke me up right before she passed out and we had to take her to the hospital.  
Roxy  
take care windy grrrl kk?  
ILY 4 reals!!!  
i love you too, Rox  


When June looked up from her phone, she saw a doctor standing there in a set of scrubs.

The doctor was a nice troll woman with a cute, round face that reminded June a little bit of Aradia, but with much smaller horns and shorter hair. She let them in right away and Terezi was placed on a rolling bed and immediately hooked up to an IV full of… something. June wasn’t sure what trolls needed when they were dehydrated and malnourished, but she imagined the doctor – her name was Ketsie – knew a lot more than she did about that kind of stuff.

“She’s resting comfortably, but it’s good you brought her in when you did.” Ketsie was checking some notes on a clipboard that June assumed were a “chart” of some kind. “Any longer and she might’ve suffered permanent damage.”

Jane was glaring pointedly at June, who shuffled her feet and muttered a barely-audible “sorry.”

“In any case, we’ll keep her here for observation for a couple days and then she’s free to go home.” Ketsie smiled hopefully and walked off to attend to other patients.

It was late, but June wasn’t getting back to sleep. She fidgeted again in the waiting room chair – why did they make these things so uncomfortable? Why’d they copy one of the worst parts of Earth hospitals for this? She thought that something you’re forced to sit in for long stretches of time should at least be _comfortable_ to sit in. Why not have waiting recliners instead of waiting chairs?

“Look – I’m sorry.” Jane’s voice was smaller than it had been back at the house. She sounded tired more than anything… a bit worried. “It’s just… Terezi is my friend too. And I appreciate you texting me the way you did but… gosh freaking darn it, June you need to be more careful with her.”

June blinked. “What?”

“She’s not a god like us! Maybe trolls are a little tougher than humans, but she’s still mortal. There’s no _conditional_ here – if she dies, she’s dead.”

Jane was sitting back in her own uncomfortable chair and frowning – her brows furrowed and her lips pursed. This was hurting her a lot more than she let on.

* * *

June realized she’d fallen into a kind of half-sleep when her phone pinged and drew her back into full waking. She blinked and looked down at the screen, the unfamiliar name resolving itself as she adjusted her glasses.

NEW ALTERNIAN HOSPITAL (@SOUTHALTERNIA_PUBLIC_3939291)  
  
SAT 7:35 am NEW ALTERNIAN HOSPITAL  
A patient with you listed on their approved visitors list, TEREZI PYROPE, has approved visitors.  
Visiting hours are between the hours of 8 am and 6 pm New Alternian Standard Time.  
Please check in with the charge nurse before visiting.  
This is an automated message, please do not reply.  


Suddenly she was wide awake and shaking Jane, who had fallen all the way asleep. “Jane! Jane, wake up! Terezi’s up!”

Jane blinked thickly and groaned. “Okay, geezus crackers, June.” She retrieved her own glasses from where she’d tucked them in the neck of her shirt and peered at her watch. “It’s not eight yet – you can’t visit her.”

“Aren’t you a doctor?” June reached out and put her hands on Jane’s. “Can’t you get us in just a _little_ bit early? _Pleeeease?_ ”

“Fine,” Jane rolled her eyes and stood up. “Oh shoot those chairs are so uncomfortable.”

They didn’t talk on their way up to the room where Terezi was resting – June could feel the excitement building. Even though her friend had been in bad shape, she was okay now! Terezi was going to be okay!

She kept thinking that all the way up the elevator and down the corridor to Terezi’s room. Past when Jane waved her ID at the charge nurse who nodded and let them by without a word. Right up until June opened the door, ready to greet Terezi properly.

Right up until she saw Terezi’s face.

Every trace of the excitement died in June’s chest. She stopped in the doorway, then approached slowly. Terezi was staring straight ahead with eyes that looked sunken and hollow. Regardless of the damage done to her eyes or the fact she couldn’t see, Terezi had always had a certain look to her – a kind of almost-playful edge to everything she did. It was gone. She looked like she’d worn herself out just by existing.

“Hi, June… hey, Jane – give us a minute?” Terezi’s voice was far away and underwater.

Jane nodded and retreated back through the door, closing it behind her. June walked closer, feeling apprehensive to come too close to the bed. Something about it felt… wrong, somehow.

“Hey, Terezi. How’re you…” She couldn’t finish the sentence – it was obvious.

Tears were all over Terezi’s cheeks and she was trying desperately to be quiet but… she was sobbing. “I couldn’t do it…”

June pulled up a chair – the same uncomfortable kind they had downstairs – and set it next to the bed.

“I tried so fucking hard, June!” Her eyes were pleading with June to just _believe her._ “I tried everything I could think of. I looked all over – everything’s collapsing into the center and blending together now. I stayed as long as I could and… she’s just… she’s not there, June. Whatever happened, I think she’s gone forever.”

* * *

No no no! I’m right here! God fucking damn it! Can’t any of you _hear_ me?! Come on… isn’t this the part where she senses that something’s wrong? Either of them! Come on, you dumbasses just… just…

I’m… right here…

* * *

Terezi shook her head, as if she were trying to clear it out. “And I kept hoping I’d get some kind of _sign,_ y’know? Some kind of… anything…” she slumped in the bed and swallowed heavily. “I feel so empty now.”

June reached out to take Terezi’s hand but she pulled it away sharply. “June… I shouldn’t be around you. Or anyone. I’m sorry about last night… I… wasn’t thinking right.”

Warm lips on hers. On her neck. June blushed.

“Oh… I – ah – it’s fine,” June finished meekly. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Sure.” Terezi was trying to smile, but she just looked _sad._

“Can I… do anything?” June didn’t feel like it was necessarily the right thing to say, but she wasn’t sure how to respond to this. Even with her own struggles with depression… this felt different.

“No, it’s fine.” Terezi didn’t say anything else. She kept her hands drawn away from June. “Maybe… maybe just give me a little bit to myself, okay? I’m tired.”

“Okay, sure… Terezi, I really do care about you, okay?” June tried a smile of her own, but it felt false.

“I know.”

* * *

By the time she and Jane got downstairs to the waiting room, June had more messages on her phone. She sat back in the horrible chair, with Jane next to her, still looking worried.

Kanaya (@grimAuxilliatrix)  
  
SAT 7:47 am Kanaya  
Jade And Rose Have Both Let Me Know What Happened To Terezi  
Please Rest Assured That We Will Help However Is Needed  
Terezi Remains My Friend And I Will Always Seek To Protect Her  
thanks, Kanaya  
i think she's going through a lot right now  
y'know with Vriska and everything?  
Kanaya  
Indeed  
I Had Suspected That She Had Returned Empty Handed When Rose Saw Your Original Message  
Jade Confirmed This Was In Fact The Case  
I Must Confide In You That I Suspected This Might Happen Eventually  
And I Feared For Terezi's Well Being If It Was The Case  
Please Watch Over Her  
will do  


Rose (@tentacleTherapist)  
  
SAT 1:34 am i'm gonna ask Jane for help too  
SAT 7:51 am Rose  
Sorry June, I should've replied sooner but Jane said you two were going to the hospital.  
Shit - is Terezi okay?  
i dunno if "okay" is the right word for it  
she's feeling really bad about Vriska and she was really upset when I talked to her a few minutes ago.  
Rose  
She's nothing if not resilient. That is... that bitch is tough as shit. She'll be able to get through this.  
i'm really not sure about that, Rose  


It wasn’t fair – any of it. June had some complicated feelings of her own about Vriska, but she at least deserved a _chance_ after everything. Terezi deserved a chance. They deserved a chance together. Whatever came of it, and whatever the end results were, to be sentenced to… whatever this was. It seemed a cruel fate.

The loudspeaker overhead came to life, blaring a static message. “Code blue to room 212. Code blue to room 212.”

Jane’s eyes grew wide and she stood up so quickly it knocked her chair back. “Holy shit that’s Terezi’s room!”

Before June could say anything, Jane was off running – she scrambled to catch up, panting and calling after. “What’s happening? What’s code blue?! _Jane!_ ”

Jane didn’t answer – she pushed through the nearest set of emergency stairs and took them two at a time until she reached the second floor landing. Pushing through the door, she ran down the hallway. A group of nurses were rushing toward the room.

“Move! I’m one of her doctors!” Jane called at the group – they parted and let her through, with June trailing slightly behind. The door to Terezi’s room was open. June could see a group of two nurses and Doctor Ketsie standing around the bed, moving frantically.

She could hear snatches of what they were saying… shouting… muttering…

“Curtain rod”

“I don’t know! I don’t know!”

“Calm the fuck down and give me the paddle!”

“Clear!”

“I don’t know how she got it!”

“Shut up! Clear!”

“It’s not…”

June stepped in after Jane and stopped. Terezi was on the bed, lying there in a tangle of sheets with her hospital gown open. The doctor and nurses were standing over her, holding a set of paddles that June recognized from movies.

Near the bed, a heavy curtain rod had a rolled sheet still hanging from it.

Terezi’s neck was a violent, angry shade of gray-teal.

“She’s not responding. Charge the paddles,” Ketsie’s voice was the exact opposite of this morning.

“I swear to god I didn’t know! I checked on her and… oh my god!” One of the nurses, a large troll with his hair cut short.

“Get him out of here!” Ketsie yelled – one of the other nurses pushed the big troll back.

“Clear!” One of the other nurses. All their faces blurred together now.

Ketsie touched the paddles to Terezi’s chest.

There was a jolt.

Terezi didn’t move.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Ketsie stepped back, putting her hands to her face. She paced quickly to the side of the room, let out a strangled scream, then walked back to the bed. Without another word, she pulled a sheet over Terezi’s face. The far-away dim eyes and angry teal bruise hidden away now.

“Nurse, please make a note… it is 8:07 in the morning, New Alternian Standard Time, and I am officially declaring Terezi Pyrope dead.”

The doctor didn’t say another word – she walked out of the room with tears in her eyes.

June felt her legs give way.

* * *

_NO!_

This isn’t _possible!_

I’m right here! Why can’t any of you _hear me?!_


	6. Just the Way Things Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content/trigger warning: This chapter contains discussions of a suicide attempt.

June was back in the uncomfortable chair once again. It didn’t register this time – everything felt numb and distant. She wanted to feel something – wanted to scream and cry and feel angry or sad or… something. But it wouldn’t happen – the tears refused to flow and she just felt all hollow inside.

Her friend was gone. Her… how did she think of Terezi? More than a friend? Something _different_ than a friend, anyway. She had wanted to figure that you, maybe. She wasn’t sure now.

Warm lips on her neck.

A neck that was swollen and teal-stained.

June shuddered and fought back the urge to throw up. The images danced together and June wretched. She didn’t want to think about this – didn’t want to think about any of it. Didn’t want it to be real. She just wanted to lie down and sleep for a long time. Maybe she would forget about it. Maybe she could convince herself that Terezi was back out in space and just not answering her texts.

Forever.

She buried her head in her hands. Maybe now the tears would start. Maybe now she would feel something – because she was performing the gesture. She was doing what people did when they were crying and grieving and full of anguish. People that felt empty inside didn’t do this – they just stared out into nothing. June didn’t want to be that kind of person. That kind of person hadn’t really cared about her friend.

June closed her eyes – wrestled through the image of Terezi’s swollen neck and down into the inky blackness underneath. Dark beneath dark – her eyes shut as tightly as she could shut them and with her hands pressed up against the lids. There was nothing here – no emotions, no feelings… just a sea of nothing.

* * *

Why can’t you _hear me?!_ June! June you goddamn flighty bitch open your fucking ears and listen to me! Why the fuck won’t you answer?!

I really don’t think she can hear you at all. I don’t think this is a two-way kind of thing.

Why the fuck not?! I want to talk to her! It’s bad enough that… it’s… I don’t want to talk about this!

* * *

After some time had passed – June wasn’t sure how much – she felt a hand on her shoulder. June opened her eyes to see Jane standing over her – her face was sunken and she’d obviously been crying.

“June… I’m so sorry. If I’d stayed in the room I could’ve…” She didn’t need to finish the sentence.

“Why did she do it? I don’t understand? I want to feel _something_ here but it’s just… I’m so confused. It doesn’t even feel _real._ ” June grit her teeth. “Why?”

Jane looked away. “I wish I could tell you, June. The gosh-darn thing is I don’t know myself.” She took off her glasses and wiped her watering eyes. “I just wish I could’ve been there to help.”

“Yeah, I know.” June reached up to pat Jane’s hand and…

The loudspeaker blared to life again. June jumped. Someone else was dying.

“Uh…”

This was different.

“Doctor… Doctor Ketsie to room 212. Doctor Ketsie to room 212.”

A pause – shuffling. Someone had left the mic on.

“What do you mean off shift?”

Another pause.

“Doctor Crocker to room 212. Doctor Jane Crocker to room 212. This is urgent.”

A sharp  _ blat _ and the speaker cut off. Jane was looking down at June, her face lined with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

June didn’t understand either.

* * *

When they arrived at room 212, there was a group of staff standing outside the room talking in hushed tones. They all stopped as they saw Jane arrive. That didn’t bode well – something had happened. June couldn’t imagine _what_ had happened. Did something happen to Terezi’s body? Maybe she _hadn’t_ killed herself after all and there were signs of foul play! June didn’t like the somewhat hopeful feeling that prompted inside of her – the eagerness to blame her death on something external rather than face the fact that her friend had suffered so badly from her struggle that she’d taken her own life.

“Make a darn path!” Jane called out. The staff moved aside, clearing a path to the bed.

Terezi was sitting up in the bed. She was rubbing her neck, but it wasn’t a violent shade of teal anymore – it was the same smooth gray as always.

June stared.

Terezi was alive.

She ran forward and threw her arms around the troll without hesitation. She hugged Terezi tightly and buried her head against her now-healed neck.

“Oh god I thought you were dead!” June’s voice was muffled against Terezi. “I’m so sorry! I should’ve taken you here first and I’m sorry!”

Terezi patted her on the back. “Hey… I’m… I’m sorry, June.”

Why was Terezi sorry? That didn’t make sense! She was the one in pain! She was the one who needed to be helped! June didn’t understand this.

“Not to be rude,” Jane’s voice cut in. “But how in the blue heck are you alive? I saw the paperwork – _I examined your body!_ According to everything I saw, you’ve been dead for…” she checked her watch. “An hour! More than an hour!”

“Jane, stop it,” June pleaded. “She’s been through enough.”

“I saw you die!” Jane’s voice cracked and she started sobbing. “I saw your body and I felt all the warmth go out of it and… you weren’t there anymore. Now you’re just sitting here like nothing fucking happened!”

“Listen, Crocker,” Terezi sounded angry. “You can kiss my bulge with that shit. Leave me the fuck alone, since apparently I can’t even kill myself properly!” Her voice was breaking too – June wanted to hold her. To tell her everything was going to be okay. If only she actually believed it.

“What happened to you out there?” Jane asked, her voice low. “You’re not the same anymore.”

Terezi growled. “What happened is I lost my fucking matesprit! You wouldn’t know what that feels like though, would you? You goddamn _bitch!_ ” Terezi started crying – this time she didn’t try to push June away. Instead, she folded into June’s arms and whimpered. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

Jane shook her head. “I can’t. Not after that – the hospital policy is to put you on suicide watch and keep you for three days of observation.”

“Fuck,” Terezi muttered. “Do what you want then. You always do whatever the fuck you want, right?”

June didn’t know that it was strictly true, but Terezi was angry. She didn’t want to inject some petty squabble into something so serious.

“Just go away, Jane.” Terezi said flatly.

* * *

Oh thank fuck she’s alive.

Probably on account of her narrative relevance.

What? No – that doesn’t even make sense!

It’s one of the core tenets of–

Shut the fuck up! I’m just glad she’s not dead.

Which should raise some interesting questions regarding your own mortal state. After all, can any of _us_ truly be said to be alive? Do we exist as singular, conscious beings or do we simply function as part of a kind of cosmic gestalt?

I believe that I am a conscious being. I have thoughts and feelings.

Technically those aren’t contradictory statements – you can be both a separate conscious being and part of a larger whole.

Blah blah blah shut up. Shut up, Dirk and Calliope and whoever-you-are!

* * *

Jane had agreed to pull the nurses out of the room as long as June was still in there, so she and Terezi were alone after the paperwork was filled out to officially note that the troll was no longer deceased as of sometime a bit after nine in the morning. June felt emotionally drained, but she sat in the chair next to Terezi’s bed and quietly held her hand. This time, Terezi didn’t pull away.

“I’m not going to try again,” she said quietly. “I just… it seemed so overwhelming to deal with – having to wake up every single day and face the fact that I failed and she’s gone. And I just saw a way out. But that’s not an option for me, I guess.”

“What happened?” June asked. Terezi squeezed her hand and shrugged.

“I don’t know. I was hanging there and… everything went all fuzzy and black and then… I was just lying in the bed and my throat hurt a lot, then it didn’t hurt at all. And when I woke up, I felt like I’d been sleeping for days.”

“That sounds like how it felt for me – when I went god tier. It hurt so much as first, but then it just… it was okay. And then I felt better than I had in a long time.”

Terezi clicked her tongue. “I don’t feel better than I have in a long time. I feel like shit. My neck doesn’t hurt, but I’m still kinda sore and I still… I miss her.”

“Maybe she’s still out there?” June asked – the hope she felt saying it didn’t feel in any way justified.

“No, I don’t think so.” Terezi stiffened up. This wasn’t a subject she wanted to revisit. “Anyway, I don’t fucking know why I’m even still here. I never reached god tier – I can’t fly or use new and interesting powers. But I can’t die. So that’s something.”

Something had happened out there, when Terezi was searching for Vriska. Maybe it had to do with the black hole? Or something about the breakdown of the universe itself? Maybe the fabric of reality had been pulled so far that it was permanently stretched, at least in the case of Terezi Pyrope. She seemed to have inherited one of the key elements of god tier without actually being god tier. At least the first time around, anyway – who knew if her next death would be her last. June really wasn’t interested in testing the theory.

“Anyway I’m fucking sorry, okay?”

June leaned her head down on the bed, next to Terezi’s arm. “Why are you apologizing?”

Tears in her eyes. “I don’t know! I made you all worry – I don’t even know why I care about that, but…” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Also…” Terezi started to say something, but seemed to think better of it. “Never mind. We can talk about it later.”

June sat like that for a while longer – still holding Terezi’s hand – and neither of them said anything more. Eventually, Terezi closed her eyes. Ten minutes later, she was snoring softly and June let go of her hand. She checked her phone to see the time.

Incidentally, she also had a number of messages waiting for her.


	7. Catch Me Up

Sitting in the chair next to a gently slumbering Terezi, June stared down at her phone. Of course her friends had been trying to get in touch with her – no doubt Jane had told them all what was happening. June groaned – she wasn’t sure if she was ready to have these conversations right now. Still, she figured it was the least she could do, considering. With no small measure of trepidation, June opened the first message.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 8:32 am Roxy  
omg holy shit juney?  
jane just told me bout tz  
fuck  
im so sorry baby. u kno im here 4 u, rite?  
SAT 9:41 am yeah so about that  
she's alive.  
Roxy  
oh thank SHIT! i thoght she killed herslf!!!  
she did. but then she came back to life. like god tier but... not god tier?  
Roxy  
hol-ee fuckin shit!  
yeah!  


Kanaya (@grimAuxilliatrix)  
  
SAT 8:22 am Kanaya  
Jane Has Informed Me That Terezi Has Killed Herself in Her Room  
I Cannot Express How Upset This Makes Me  
she was... she was my friend, june!  
she was my friend and i miss her so much!  
i need to speak to rose now - i am feeling very distressed right now!  
SAT 9:46 am kanaya, are you there?  
Kanaya  
yes june i am here  
good! terezi isn't dead! i mean, she was dead but then she just kind of came back to life and no one's sure why!  
i thought maybe she'd gone god tier but she says she didn't. i guess she might be wrong but... i dunno that feels like a stretch!  
Kanaya  
I Am Sorry Did You Say Terezi Is Alive?  
Terezi Pyrope?  
That Terezi?  


* * *

Oh goody fucking gumdrops. Just what everyone loves – a bunch of freeform dialogue in the form of a series of text messages, chat logs, or emails. The sort of thing that serves to plow the narrative along when the writer is too lazy – or in your case too inept – to actually come up with manageable prose.

I think I’ve figured out your problem, you know. Do you want to hear about it?

Not really, no.

You cling to an almost-serialized style of storytelling. A literary methodology born out of the days when writers published a lot of their longer works in chunks broken down for magazines and digests and such. When you’re paid by the word and your work’s serialized, the premium is put on hooking your readers and then keeping them coming back time and again.

Enter, of course, the cliffhanger. The ending to a chapter or serialized segment that no one could look away from. Just look at how your ended chapter 5 – pure exploitative garbage. Designed to pull on the readers’ heartstrings and nothing more.

I was under the impression that making people feel things was good.

But there’s a right and wrong way to do things. The right way of course being–

Your way. Yeah, I know.

Oh _shit_ will you two _shut the entire fuck up?!_

* * *

Rose (@tentacleTherapist)  
  
SAT 8:43 am Rose  
I just spent twenty minutes holding a very distressed Kanaya. What the fuck? Is this really happening?!  
You're telling me that Terezi comes back from all that and she kills herself - just like that?  
I'm sorry - I don't know how to process this. I don't know what to say.  
I'd say that I'm trying to keep myself in check - to not go back to that bad place but... why would I? Who would I rage against in this moment of anguish?  
I miss her already, June. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. Kanaya is... she's not doing great.  
SAT 9:50 am Rose  
Excuse me if this is some kind of joke or something I will literally fucking kill you.  
Kanaya just told me. What the fuck, June?!  
i told her everything I know! jane and I went up to the room and Terezi was alive!  
her neck was all healed and everything. just like one of us got killed!  
well, maybe not Kanaya i don't know how the rainbow drinker thing works  
Rose  
She heals, but it takes time.  
Are you perhaps suggesting that Terezi is a fucking rainbow drinker?! How would that even happen?!  


Jade (@gardenGnostic)  
  
SAT 8:35 am Jade  
oh my god june what can i do?  
i just heard about it and  
oh god im so so so so sorry!  
i wish id talked to her more  
SAT 9:57 am jade! you're not gonna believe it! terezi came BACK!  
Jade  
what? what the hell? how?  
i have no idea! she was just... back!  
Jade  
she's god tier?  
no! that's the weird thing about it!  
but I don't even care - she's not dead!  
Jade  
okay, but how is she doing?  
i cant imagine she went from wanting to kill herself to just being fine, june.  
have you talked to her about it? does she want to talk about it?  
i'm staying in the room with her for now - she's sleeping  
i don't want to force things, okay?  
she seems really upset about not finding Vriska  
Jade  
i trust you, june - just...  
just be there for her, okay?  


Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 9:41 am yeah!  
SAT 10:12 am Roxy  
how r u holdin up, windy grrrl?  
what do you mean?  
Roxy  
u jus had a friend die in front of u  
then come bak liek an hour later!  
u got sum shiet 2 deal w!  
i dunno  
i guess I didn't really have a chance to process it?  
like, I felt so numb but I couldn't do anything about that feeling, y'know?  
and then she was just back all of a sudden!  
none of this really feels real to me!  
Roxy  
k - just kno im here 4 u, windy grrrl!  
i luv u!  
i love you too, Rox  


Kanaya (@grimAuxilliatrix)  
  
SAT 9:46 am Kanaya  
That Terezi?  
SAT 10:23 am yep - I'm waiting until she wakes up to make sure she's okay  
jane and I brought her in this morning and then  
well, everything happened.  
Kanaya  
Please Allow Me To Relieve You Of This Burden To Some Extent  
Terezi Was My Friend And I Would Very Much Like To Help  
you wanna come change out with me?  
Kanaya  
I Would Like That Very Much  
I Will Be There In One Half Hour  


* * *

June set her phone down on the bed along with her glasses and leaned forward, her arms forming a natural spot for her head to rest. She groaned and pressed her face down toward the sheets that smelled of detergent. This didn’t make any sense to her, but she wasn’t about to question providence. The bottom line is that her friend was back.

But Jade was right – all the problems didn’t just disappear because Terezi had survived. All the guilt and pain that she was carrying were still there, and June wasn’t sure what to do about it. Was she supposed to tell her everything was all right when she didn’t really believe it herself? Vriska was gone and there was nothing any of them could do about it.

Part of her just wanted to escape – to run away and not come back.

* * *

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 10:12 am i love you too, Rox  
SAT 10:31 am you there, Rox?  
Roxy  
yeah - sup?  
do you mind if I come over to your place in a bit?  
kanaya is gonna sit with Terezi for a while and  
honestly I don't wanna be alone right now  
Roxy  
omg juney  
shit yeh!  
ill be here 4 u when u get dun, k?  


June put her phone down again, propped her chin on her arms next to the sleeping form of Terezi Pyrope, and waited.


	8. Putting Distance In

Kanaya had come by almost precisely when she said she would and settled into the same chair. Somehow, the way that she sat had made it look almost tolerable – her back straight and her legs neatly crossed in front of her with her hands in her lap. Terezi looked like she’d be out for a while yet – June patted her hand and turned to leave.

“Kanaya – thanks for sitting with her. I really appreciate it.”

The troll half-smiled and nodded. “Of course, June. I was quite distressed to hear what had presumably happened – I would very much prefer to avoid a repeat of earlier this morning.”

“Me too, Kanaya.”

She felt a warm hand on her wrist and looked down to see Kanaya holding her arm and frowning. “June, will you be… okay? I can only imagine the effect that seeing Terezi like that would have had.” She sighed. “No, that is a lie. I know full well what effect seeing Terezi like that likely had on you. If you ever need to talk to someone else…”

June rotated her wrist and squeezed Kanaya’s hand gently. “Thanks, Kanaya. I’ll do that.”

* * *

Is it too fucking late to say that I don’t want this bullshit?!

Because I don’t fucking want this bullshit!

You don’t get it, do you? Once you’re out here, you don’t get a say in how things go. You think I haven’t tried? You think Calliope here hasn’t tried?

I have done no such thing! I have the good grace to accept when I am not wanted!

That’s a damn lie and you know it! You’re one of the nosiest bitches ever to grace the god’s green Earth. I’ll bet you tried to take control of the narrative just like I did. Admit it – I’m right and you’re a bitch!

I really hate this version of you.

Oh yeah? Well I hate this version of you. No character development – no growth. You just reset back to square one with a punch in the goddamn jaw and now you want to be the center of attention again.

Oh yeah? Says the man with the anime protagonist hair who won’t shut up about narrative frameworks!

That doesn’t change that fact that you’re out here… and she’s back in there.

* * *

June didn’t fly to Roxy’s house so much as she drifted along – taking the longest time she felt comfortable with on the way. The thoughts kept moving around inside her head, sometimes crashing into each other and then flying apart – leaving little splinters in her mind as they impacted. It was a lot to deal with – and all at once.

In all honesty, June wasn’t sure where to even start. She’d just witnessed a friend kill herself, then come back to life. A friend who, by all rights, should never have been able to do that.

A friend.

Was that even the right word for it? Did friends kiss you like that? June’s face grew hot as she remembered it and then… another collision in the brain – another splinter. Was it even appropriate to be thinking about? Terezi had _just_ tried to kill herself! Unsuccessfully, sure, but… the intention had still been there. And how did all that work now that she was, apparently, immortal?

It was still another ten minutes to Roxy’s, but June needed to stop and think. She floated down, alighting in a field covered in bright yellow flowers that wafted softly in the breeze. She walked forward, brushing through the flowers and sighing to herself. Without even thinking, June picked one of the blooms and began plucking off petals – one after another.

She loves me…

That was a silly thought though. Terezi was obviously going through something right now – losing Vriska and… that had obviously hit her hard. June crouched down in the field and ran her hands through the flowers, watching as the delicate petals brushed against her cool brown skin. She smiled – there were so many ways that life on Earth-C was stunningly beautiful, but it seemed like there was always that slight trace of the ugliest parts of the old world that found their way through.

* * *

Now y’all are speaking my language!

I don’t think I am, actually.

No, you just don’t want to admit it yet… but you’ll see soon enough.

* * *

A sudden burst of frustration hit her and June grabbed one of the flowers and crushed it in her hand. She threw the broken mass to the ground and looked down at her yellow-stained palm.

Why can’t it ever not be like this?!

She grabbed another flower, then another – the flurry of crushed petals raining to the ground and she was shaking and crying – tears running down her cheeks. She brushed aside the tears with her fingers and frowned. When they won, that was supposed to be it. When they came to Earth-C, that was supposed to be it. When they built this new world around them and they all came together, that was supposed to be it.

But it wasn’t. Life kept marching on, and maybe the stakes weren’t on the same cosmic level as before, but that hardly meant that everything was fine.

_Happily ever after_ is just for dumb kids’ stories anyway…

Sitting down now, completely surrounded by the yellow press of the flowers all around. They grew tall enough that she could almost sink down under them – lose herself in a sea of brilliant color that would shift to green as she plumbed the depths of the stems and the grass underneath. She’d have to come here with Roxy sometime.

Or Terezi.

What the fuck, June? Why?

She kept bouncing back and forth between not being able to stop thinking about Terezi’s attempt on her own life… 

Who are you kidding? It wasn’t an attempt!

Between not being able to stop thinking about Terezi’s death and revival, and wondering how it was she felt about the troll, June wasn’t sure how to feel about anything. She’d gotten settled enough into a comfortable routine on Earth-C. Maybe there were bumps, and maybe there was the overall idea of Terezi out there looking for Vriska but it had been surprisingly normal to settle into life here. She and Roxy were spending a lot of time together and that made her feel pretty good about herself. She lived in a world where no one looked twice at her for being a trans woman with dark skin. Things that most of the residents of Earth-C probably didn’t even register as things that one should even consider in the first place.

There was always the nagging image in the back of her mind of Terezi out in the depths of space, slowly starving to death while searching for Vriska. It had been surprisingly easy to shove that away though – push it back somewhere that she never had to really think about it. Just sometimes… she would talk to Terezi and she’d get the idea that something was wrong. But she chose to believe Terezi’s insistence that everything was just fine. Because that was what was most convenient.

June bent her head and felt the shaking roll of another wave of crying over her. She reached into her pocket and took out her phone – tears slipped down and pattered silently on the lockscreen that featured a smiling June and Roxy making silly faces in Roxy’s living room.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 11:46 am hey, Rox - can I ask you something?  
Roxy  
wassup juneybug?  
am I a bad person?  
like, do you think I'm just  
bad?  
Roxy  
june u ok?  
wat happend?  
i dunno. just thinking.  
about how I used to just... I dunno  
ignore what was happening with Terezi  
Roxy  
do u need me there?  


June set the phone down among the flowers and wiped her eyes again. The sadness seemed to be coming from all over, all at once. The overwhelming sense that this was somehow all her fault – that it had something inherently to do with how she’d treated Terezi at some point in the past. And maybe that didn’t make any sense at all, but it was how she felt and telling herself again and again that it was irrational wasn’t working.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 11:48 am Roxy  
do u need me there?  
SAT 11:54 am Roxy  
baeb - u ok?  
i'm really not.  
Roxy  
ok ok ok - u stay rite where u r!  
im comin 2 u rite TF nowww!  


She set the phone down again and looked up at the sky. It was a perfect day – the cerulean sky was offset by the gentle puff of white clouds sailing by at a leisurely pace. On any other day, it would be calming, but the sight only filled her with an anxiety that spread all the way down to her feet.

June bent over, leaning down into the sea of yellow flowers, and sobbed to herself.

* * *

She wasn’t sure how long had elapsed, but after a while the air shifted and the flowers rustled as someone landed in the field. The rustling drew closer and closer, but June kept her head down. The tears were all spent now – only dry heaving and burning eyes remained.

The person knelt down in the flowers and a soft hand, a half-shade lighter than her own, ran down her cheek.

“Juney,” Roxy’s voice was quiet – there was no trace of judgment or upset in it.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, turning her head into the palm on her cheek. “I’m sorry I…” She wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. Words were escaping her more than usual, she found.

“You got yellow on you,” Roxy sat down next to her in among the flowers. The pale dyed-blonde of her hair stood out in contrast to the flowers themselves and set off the blue tones of her outfit. She wiped at June’s face, her fingers coming back with traces of the flower residue on them.

“Yeah,” June tried to smile but it felt utterly empty. “Do you…”

She couldn’t finish, so she just sat there in silence and let herself breathe in and out as if the answer would come to her in time.

Roxy leaned in. “Do I think you’re a bad person? No, babe, I don’t.” A soft kiss on her cheek, burning warm even against the rising heat of the day.

_Lips warm against her neck._

June closed her eyes and inhaled sharply. It felt good to hear it coming from Roxy, to some extent. If only she believed it herself.


	9. We Talk and We Talk

“Okay, you ready to go, babe?” Roxy had been rubbing June’s back as she stared at the flowers. She supposed that it was time to go – there was no sense in just sitting around anymore.

“Yeah, let’s… let’s do that.”

* * *

I can’t fucking _take_ this anymore! Why can’t I see what Terezi is doing right now? What the fuck does any of this have to do with anything?

Oh I’m laughing so much at you right now – I know you can’t see me, but I’m laughing at you. You finally see how it feels to be me! All your self-centered importance and now you’re just forced to sit back and watch events unfold!

Aren’t you just describing yourself, Dirk?

“Aren’t you just describing yourself, Dirk” – shut the hell up! I’ve achieved the serenity of a master swordsman who’s committed his life to following Zen principles.

I feel like that is very specifically untrue.

Oh all of you shut the fuck up! I need to know that she’s okay! I can’t be there to make sure she’s okay!

* * *

Roxy’s apartment was cluttered, but there was a strange sense of order to all of it. It was as if she didn’t care so much about the appearance of it, but wanted to know exactly where to find everything. June wasn’t entirely sure how she pulled it off, but it was definitely a thing that she was able to do. They walked in the living room and Roxy moved a pile of papers from the couch to a spot on a table that looked very deliberately chosen. She jumped down and waved June over.

Hesitantly, June sat down next to Roxy, sliding into her. She blushed, which felt a little bit silly since they’d been together for a couple years… but she still blushed and flicked a couple of dark brown curls out of her eyes. Her hand crept out slowly onto the couch and Roxy smiled softly and grasped her fingers.

“You wanna talk about it?” Her voice was soft.

I didn’t ask her to kiss me!

That wasn’t what she was talking about. June swallowed. “I’m just really freaked out by all this. Like, Terezi’s going through so much right now. And with what happened to her… it… it’s got me thinking about stuff, okay?”

Roxy nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” It sounded like there was more to it, but June wasn’t sure.

I swear – I didn’t _ask_ her to kiss me!

Didn’t exactly hate it either…

God! Shut the hell up!

“It’s okay if you don’t really want to talk about it,” Roxy said – her voice still soft. “We can just sit here if you want. It’s fine.”

She was really trying. Normally Roxy was so… high energy. She was in-your-face and she was always moving and June loved that about her. But right now she wasn’t sure if that’s what she needed. She needed a bit of calm – a bit of a chance to collect her own thoughts. She appreciated Roxy doing this for her.

“Thanks, Rox,” June replied. “I’m good with… just sitting for a while.” She squeezed Roxy’s hand and smiled at her.

Together, they sat in silence – and June’s thoughts began to run out, away from themselves. What was going to happen next? Did Terezi still want to kill herself? Could she even accomplish that? Was Vriska really dead and gone? What did any of this mean? Every time June had a handle on one of the thoughts, another one came crashing into it and dislodged it. It was too hard to keep anything straight after so much was happening.

And she was still so shaken up at what had happened to Terezi.

* * *

Fuck! Just let me back in! Will someone just let me fucking in!

I keep telling you I can’t help you!

Can’t or fucking _won’t?!_ You’re such a bitch!

I know, I’ve heard it before.

Are you being _sarcastic?!_

I’m not sure if that’s the right word for it. More like… tired. There’s a whole lot going on right now. It’s a lot.

Yeah, no shit, Terezi just fucking killed herself!

That’s not what I… never mind. It’s not really relevant to you anyway, I don’t think.

You really suck, you know.

You’re not certain about anything. Not when it’s important.

I see you still consider yourself the pinnacle of that particular metric.

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

* * *

June’s eyes opened and she realized she was lying on the couch with her head in Roxy’s lap. She had no idea when she’d fallen asleep or for how long, but she didn’t really want to get up. She looked up at Roxy’s face – framed by blonde curls. Roxy looked down, her deep brown eyes shining with a kind of iridescent pink undertone – a product of her god-tier transformation. She smiled.

“Hey. You up?” Her voice was a little more like it normally was. “You were asleep for like two hours.”

June didn’t think she’d dreamed during that time – just dropped right off and woken up snuggled up on Roxy’s thighs. Pleasant. Normal. The complete opposite of everything that had happened over the last twelve hours or so. June wished this could be it – that her entire life could just be like this, all the time. Because if she was being truly honest with herself, it had never been like this. Even in the time after the game, everything was marred with what had happened. What was still happening, as Terezi searched endlessly for some sign of Vriska.

Look how that ended…

Miserable, abject failure. And suddenly her position in Roxy’s lap felt less comfortable – more uncertain.

“Rox… I’m scared,” she said plainly. Roxy furrowed her brow.

“Why?” Her brow stayed furrowed.

“Because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to Terezi. And I’m wondering what actually happened to Vriska. I guess she’s dead but… I’d like some closure, you know?”

“Yeah.” Roxy ran a hand through June’s loose curls, finally settling on a strand to tug on gently. “I know what you mean. There’s only so much we can do and it fucking sucks.”

June smiled – it felt bad to do it, but she tried anyway. “You’re right. It does fucking suck.”

Roxy leaned over – her lips were hovering close enough that June could feel her faint breath.

“I love you, June,” she said – her voice was softer even than before now.

They kissed. It wasn’t some grand performance – just a slight brush of the gentle. June closed her eyes.

“I love you too, Terezi.”

Wait

A pause. Words that failed to materialize.

Heavy– 

in– 

their– 

absence– 

And then the quiet, soft voice – not soft-as-in-comforting but soft-as-in-falling-apart.

“I think you should go home, June.”

Wait


	10. Second Guess

Oh this is the peak of melodrama. I absolutely fucking love this. Brava to the author here! Brava!

I don’t really think I can take any credit for this. They’re still people. They’re not always going to have optimal reactions to everything.

You’re too modest. I may think you’re a disingenuous bitch, but I can recognize the touch of talent when I see it.

I feel kind of gross just hearing you say that.

* * *

At least Jade wasn’t home to see her as June stumbled in the door and fell on the couch. She buried her head in the decorative cushion at the end and screamed at the top of her lungs – the sound came out as a muffled  _ Aaaaaa _ that she doubted anyone could hear.

“I love you too, Terezi”

Fucking _really?!_ Great fucking job, June – real fucking smooth.

Why did she say that? Why did she say that at _that specific moment_ of all times?! If she were picking bad things to say at bad moments, that one would easily make the top five. Probably top three. She could certainly imagine _worse,_ but it was more of an intellectual exercise at that point.

_Aaaaaaaaaaaa_ – she screamed into the pillow again, feeling it tear out of her throat. This was all new and horrible. She’d been, what, sixteen when all this started? A goddamn teenager – she’d technically had her first kiss with a girl when she was fourteen. It hadn’t gone great – she’d confessed afterwards how she felt about herself. About how she thought she was a girl, actually, and she hadn’t had the courage to tell anyone outside of a couple close friends. And the girl had told her that was gross and she didn’t like kissing girls anyway, and then she’d gone and told some friends and… well, ninth grade had kinda sucked.

_Aaaaaaa_ – she hated this. She hated everything about this. Twenty! She was fucking twenty good-goddamn years old and she was supposed to have this shit figured out by now! She had been assured that turning into an adult meant you had all your shit figured out. She wasn’t a girl anymore – she was a full-grown _woman_ and she was supposed to have herself sorted out by now. She wasn’t supposed to have all these stupid conflicting feelings inside of her that didn’t even make any sense.

_Aaaa_ – June was crying into the pillow. Just crying. It wasn’t even appropriate to _think_ something like that. Her time in the game had… it had warped everything. Dying and coming back to life? No big deal! That was just part of your everyday Young Adult Drama here on Earth-C!

Stupid fucking brain!

“June?” A voice from the doorway. She’d been wrong about Jade not being home. Shit. She could’ve sworn that Jade was over at Rose and Kanaya’s place. She had herself figured out – her and her girlfriends who always seemed to be happy together.

“June, what happened?” Jade was getting closer. June didn’t want to pull her head up out of the pillow. She didn’t want to face her sister – didn’t want to look her in the eyes and talk about what a shitty, stupid failure of a partner she was.

“June, do you want to talk?” Now her voice was right there on the edge of the couch – sitting right next to June. And there was a hand on June’s arm. “If you don’t, that’s okay too. But… I’m here for you.”

June didn’t lift her head, but she did pull a hand free from its place under the pillow to put on top of Jade’s.

I hate this

“Wait” – that was what it was supposed to sound like, but with the pillow there it came out more like “Wmph” – Jade stayed where she was.

June turned her head, freeing her mouth from the pillow. She was pretty sure she was done screaming. For now. “Wait, please. I… I did something really fucking stupid.”

“What? Did you, like, kill all of us and then retcon the timeline so it never happened?” She laughed, but it died halfway. “Oh shit… I’m sorry, I was joking – you mean, like, bad-stupid and not I-accidentally-glued-Dave’s-toilet-shut stupid?”

She nodded, her eyes still burning with the tears. “I told Roxy I loved Terezi.”

“Oh, wow.” Jade’s tone was hard to place, but at least she didn’t sound angry.

“I mean, she told me I loved her and I literally said _‘I love you too, Terezi’_ back to her.” June sniffled and choked back a sob.

“Okay…” Jade paused and squeezed June’s arm. “Okay, that’s a lot, June.”

“God,” June groaned, “I know. Probably something you don’t even know what to say to, right? I mean… god… _hey, Jade, how come mom lets you have two girlfriends?_ – right?”

Jade smiled, but she didn’t look especially happy. “I’m not going to say I’ve been in that specific situation but… uh…” She looked off to the side and there was a red flush creeping up into her face. “Look – I know how it feels to be confused about how you feel. I also… I know how it feels to put your foot in your mouth a bit.”

“Yeah, right. What’d you do? Walk up and kiss Rose and say how much you loved her in front of Kanaya or something?”

Jade was turning deeper red and pointedly avoiding June’s eyes. “No, of course not. I mean, not exactly anyway.”

“Jade…” June sighed. “I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know how to sort through why I said that to Roxy because I don’t know how to sort through how I’m feeling. You don’t have to sit here and do this, okay?”

Jade shook her head sharply. “Bullshit! I’m your big sister! I…” she looked away again. “Maybe I was going through some stuff before I got together with Rose and Kanaya. Maybe I’m still dealing with some of that stuff. I don’t have all the answers, but I can at least listen.”

And that was what June really needed to hear.

* * *

Still on this stupid bullshit wiggler nonsense, huh? Still following along with June’s sad-grub sad times? Like she has any right to talk about love like that – she doesn’t love Terezi – _I_ love Terezi!

Oh wow – projecting? Yeah, I don’t know about that.

You do it all the time.

No I don’t.

You most certainly do.

I see the true power of the ultimate self is you turn into petulant children. Interesting.

Look, I’ve had enough of you. I’m gonna go somewhere else now and you can do whatever the fuck it is you do.

Yes, please do that.

Fuck you.

This isn’t fucking fair! I’ll find a way back there I swear to... Terezi’s all by herself!

Vriska, when did you become so one-note, anyway?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!

You keep talking about getting back to see Terezi… is that all you can think about? All you can focus on? Even putting aside the fact that you have other friends there, why do you think you’re the only one who can save her?

What the fuck do you mean by _that?!_ Are you implying that she’d be better off with… with who… _June?!_

That’s not what I said.

Then you’d better start making it simple before I start removing appendages!

You love Terezi and you want to be in a relationship with her… however you want to define that. But have you stopped to consider that maybe she doesn’t benefit from that? Right now… I’m sorry to agree with Ultimate Dick here but… you’re basically where you were at in the beginning of all of this.

You’re bitter and resentful and you’re fueled by hatred.

Do you truly, honestly believe that Terezi needs that above all else? If you could suddenly appear on Earth-C _right now_ – do you believe you’d make things better? Or would you just barge in and take command of the whole narrative and make everything worse?

See, now you’re talking about narrative frameworks!

I’m fairly sure she meant it in a metaphorical sense

I…

I don’t have to listen to this.

You’re right. You don’t.

But maybe you should.

* * *

“Holy shit, June.” Jade’s response seemed like a good-enough way of summing everything up. But she hadn’t thrown up her hands in disgust and gone back to her part of the house – that had to count for something. “I’m sorry… god I’m so sorry. This must be so much for you to deal with.”

“I know!” June felt almost relieved to hear her say it – to get that acknowledgment that maybe she wasn’t just completely losing her shit. “The worst part is… I… I don’t even know how I feel about all of this. I’m supposed to be a serious adult now and shit but I still feel like a kid.”

Jade leaned over and wrapped her sister in a hug that was warm and comforting – she had a certain presence to her that was always comforting.

“I think you should try to talk to Roxy. Just… send her a text and let her know you want to talk about what happened.”

June felt an exasperated groan coming from her throat. “What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“Then you’re just back where you started.” Jade shrugged. “Except at least she knows you’re willing to talk it over.”

“Fine.”

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 11:50 am Roxy  
do u need me there?  
SAT 3:16 pm roxy I know you're probably mad at me. like a lot  
i want to talk about what happened earlier  
but only when you're ready  
i know it probably hurt to hear me say that and I guess I have a lot of stuff going on in my head and I dunno how to work with that  
but I'd like to talk that over  
when you're ready  
please  


She stared at the phone for a bit, but nothing happened. It was fine – Roxy probably didn’t want to give her the time of day after everything. That was fine.

June’s eyes began to burn again as a fresh wave of anguish fell over her. It wasn’t fine. None of it was fine. She wanted to talk to Roxy. She wanted to go back and see Terezi. She wanted to explain everything and have everything make sense and for everyone to be fine and for no one to be mad anymore.

Maybe that was, in retrospect, unrealistic. June wiped her eyes and glared down at the phone – it buzzed in her hand.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 3:16 pm when you're ready  
please  
SAT 3:22 pm Roxy  
look i kno u mean wel  
shit  
i cant do this rite now juney  
kk? sry itz 2 much 4 me  
pls gimme sum space  


The tears came back, of course. And June stared at the screen, as if the meaning behind the words would suddenly shift and her fantasy – because that was all it truly was – of a tidy solution to all of this messy _life_ would emerge. She leaned against Jade and closed her eyes.

“Being an adult is hard and no one understands,” June said.

“Yeah,” Jade agreed.

And all was quiet but for the sound of June softly crying to herself, still clutching her phone to her chest.


	11. Visiting Hours are Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: This chapter contains discussion of suicide and trauma, as well as depictions of minor self-harm.

June didn’t even bother to shower – she just fell asleep on the couch. At some point during the night, Jade had put a blanket on her. She woke up sometime in the late morning with messy hair and a head full of unpleasant memories. The hair she could fix easily enough. The memories… less so.

Why did I say that? I’m such an asshole…

She went into her bathroom to change out of the clothes she’d been wearing for over a full day now – the clothes that still smelled faintly of smoke and the hospital. A tapestry of everything she’d lived through in the past day-and-a-half. Her face wrinkled as the shirt went off over her head and onto the floor. The smell… it reminded her…

Her neck…

And that hurt to think about. Whether she was fine now or not, Terezi had been dead. And “fine” seemed like a bad way to describe how she was doing now anyway. She was hurting – more than a little.

Not that you’re making this any better!

She stared into the bathroom mirror at the woman wearing a simple white cotton bra and panties. She was still smudged with a bit of soot – June turned on the faucet and splashed soap and warm water over her face until her deep brown skin glowed clean again. She washed all the way up her arms to the elbows, splashed some more water on her face, and grabbed a nearby towel to dry off.

Wearing fresh underwear and clothing, June felt a little bit better – at least physically. Mentally, she was still running over everything again and again. Her guts kept churning and trying to tell her that this was all a horrible idea – but what was she supposed to do about any of it? She still wasn’t sure how she felt, and she’d still opened her ridiculous mouth and told Roxy that she loved Terezi.

Was that even true? What did it even mean?

She wanted to see Terezi again.

Subtle, June.

At least to talk this all over – to see where they stood. And to see where Terezi stood, generally… to make sure that she was going to be okay.

* * *

Kanaya was still sitting in the corner of Terezi’s room when June arrived, reading a book and humming quietly to herself. Terezi was awake, but she was just sitting with her head bowed and barely turned when June arrived.

“Ah, June, I am glad to see you cleaned up,” Kanaya said, her voice full of cheer that sounded affected. She stood up and walked over to June – her voice dropped. “Terezi is not feeling especially talkative today. I have been attempting to read to her but she informed me that my book was a stupid baby book for human babies.”

“I can hear you,” Terezi said, her voice stretched with exhaustion. “It is a baby book for human babies.”

“It is a book of fairytales,” Kanaya didn’t bother to lower her voice – it was pointless anyway. “I apologize for not providing you with something more salacious. I will attempt to bring something more to your liking next time. Perhaps you would prefer I err on the side of the… pornographic?”

“Shut up, Maryam!” Terezi snapped – there was a faint trace of amusement in her voice, but it was lost in a sea of gloom.

Kanaya nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

“You’re back, huh?” Terezi asked – her face was hard to read. “I thought maybe you weren’t gonna bother.”

June pulled up one of the chairs next to the bed and sat down, trying her best to wear a smile she didn’t feel she’d earned. “Yeah, of course… why wouldn’t I?”

“Because things got a little bit weird. Between us. In general.” She frowned. “I don’t know how to start talking about it… I figure you probably don’t either, knowing you.”

June furrowed her brow and quirked her lips. “What’s that mean?”

“Nothing.”

“So…” Terezi was right – June didn’t know how to start the conversation. “I accidentally told Roxy I loved you.”

Terezi made a sound that was halfway between a choke and a cough. “What the fuck, June?!”

Her face lit up in a blush and she looked away. “I’m sorry… I don’t know why… it just kind of… I don’t know.”

“June…” her voice was quieter than before. “There’s something we need to talk about – like, right now.”

“Okay.” She swallowed nervously. What was Terezi about to tell her? That she didn’t feel the same way? That she _did_ feel the same way? June wasn’t sure which she was more afraid of.

“What do you think about me, in general… as a person?” she asked.

“I… I don’t know. You’re my friend. You’re cute. You’re always so dedicated and brave and you try so hard to help everyone out! I really admired you… I mean, you really messed with me with my Denizen but I know you were just trying to make things better.” 

June gathered herself up. “Overall, I think you’re amazing! I guess… I don’t know if that’s why I’m feeling like this about you. Maybe.”

Terezi didn’t respond right away. After a second, June realized that she was crying silently – tears rolled slowly down her cheeks.

“Do you know how many people I’ve killed, June?”

Another moment of silence. June felt something dropping back inside her, but she answered anyway. “I don’t know. Uh… you helped kill Jack and… I’m not sure… are we counting ogres and stuff as people?”

She laughed – the sound was completely hollow. “June… I’m not talking about during the game. Do you have any idea how many trolls I killed back on Alternia? When I was helping Vriska… when I wasn’t…” She closed her eyes and the tears kept flowing.

“I was told I was special. I was going to be a Legislacerator – I was responsible for order and justice. So I was responsible for punishing the guilty. I made that decision. June… imagine that you’re fifteen years old and someone hands you a gun and tells you that you’re going to decide who lives and who dies now. But _someone_ has to die, because otherwise the whole system breaks down.”

All of a sudden, the kiss on the neck and her stupid slip of the tongue to Roxy the day before were the furthest things from June’s mind. Terezi had her hands on her face – she was starting to sob.

“Vriska was… Vriska was what I focused on. Because if I focused on Vriska then I didn’t have to think about all the others. If I could find her, things would be okay. We could be there for each other, just like we always were before… like we should’ve been. All the others wouldn’t matter because they died for a reason – because they weren’t strong enough to survive. But we were. We were special.”

She laughed again – June didn’t want to keep hearing that sound.

“And now Vriska is… she’s gone. And what does that mean? I’m by myself. And all of a sudden I have to _think_ about everything I’ve done. I have to let it boil in my stupid think-pan because stupid Vriska’s dead and what the fuck else… and I can’t even kill myself anymore because I guess the universe just decided that wasn’t going to be an option! Fuck!” She balled up a fist and punched it into her stomach.

“Terezi! You’re not by yourself!” June leaned forward, but Terezi drew back as if she were holding a white-hot poker.

“Really?! Who’s there for me? Rose and Kanaya? The flighty bitches who talk down to me like I’m a wiggler! Jade? The woman with her head stuffed right up her own waste chute! Dave and Karkat? Fucking Cool Kid and Cool Kid Jr. off on their boring romance life that doesn’t even make any fucking sense because they’re both so boring now!”

She turned and looked at June. “You? The woman who was so dense that she thought this was about some kind of love confession when… when…”

Terezi broke out into broken, harsh sobs and bent over. She curled into herself, wrapping her arms around her knees and scrunching up in the hospital bed.

“When I was fucking dying inside! You don’t know me! We’ve hardly talked about anything that matters… anything outside of the game. You don’t know how many sweeps I’ve had to live with all of this. How I kept telling myself it was just how things _had to be!_ Well now they don’t have to be like that any more, but everyone’s still fucking _dead!_ ”

Once more, she laughed – June flinched at the sound this time, but she didn’t say anything.

“Get the fuck out of here, June. I’m sorry if I confused you… I guess I wasn’t thinking too clearly after I watched my entire world dissolve in front of me and crashed my ship and now I can’t even fucking _die_ properly. I’m sorry for taking away from your one-woman show here… I’ll try to be more considerate next time.”

June started to open her mouth to respond, but Terezi growled at her. “Don’t bother. Just get the fuck out. Don’t worry about me, I’m not going to kill myself again. It’s not like I could even if I fucking wanted to.”

She heaved out another series of sobs that wracked her chest. “I’m just here… by myself.” She leaned over and buried her head in between her knees – tucked herself into a ball – and rolled over sideways on the bed.

“Go away, June.” Her voice was quiet now. “Just go away.”


	12. Provide Context

I was… we were…

Why is she talking like that? Terezi knows we didn’t have a choice! We never had a choice! Don’t you understand that? Don’t you get it? We were _forced_ to be what we were! You’ve never been in that situation! You don’t know what it’s like!

You’re right. I haven’t. I don’t know what it was like. I can barely imagine.

But I do know what it feels like to be powerless. To have who you are inside taken away from me. I know what it feels like to turn into something that you don’t even want to look at anymore.

Fuck! This is why I need to get back! Just sitting here with you and these two absolute grub-shits… fuck!

Let me ask you an honest question – this isn’t a trick – what would you do for her?

What do you mean? I’d… be there for her…

But what does that _mean?_ I may never have killed anyone – let alone hundreds of people – but I know what pain sounds like. I know how someone sounds when they’re out of hope and just running on daily survival.

So what? We were fine when we were together!

You were a lot of things together, but “fine” was never one of them.

Fuck you! I don’t need to sit here and take this! Where’s the other two? Let me dump on Orange Soda and fucking Cherry Grub-Ade for a little bit!

They’re not here right now. Just you and me, Vriska.

Don’t say my fucking name! You don’t get to say my name!

After everything! After how much she had to suffer!

You’re dodging my original question. What would you do for her?

...

I don’t know, okay? Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear, you bitch?!

I don’t know what I’d do. Kiss her? Hug her? _Fuck her?!_ Is that what you want to hear, you fucking pervert?

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think Terezi needs a lover right now. I think she needs a friend.

I was her friend!

You were toxic. Both of you – you brought out the worst in each other. You enabled each other’s behavior. Because both of you lived so completely within the same system. Terezi needs someone who understands what she’s been through but who isn’t still so wrapped up in it. She needs people to support her who won’t judge her or treat her like a liability.

...

I…

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

* * *

June left the door open and stepped into the hallway, pressing her back up against the wall. She needed to talk to a Roxy. What was she going to say to Roxy?

Sorry I said I loved Terezi I guess that was a big misunderstanding. Whoopsie!

Why did feelings have to be like this? Everything was always so complicated and nothing ever made sense! And she still wasn’t sure how she felt in the first place… because she _did_ care about Terezi… but also Terezi was right. June didn’t have any idea what it felt like to be coming from that position.

Not many people did, anymore. Even the Alternians living here weren’t Alternians in the direct sense… they were the descendants of the trolls – people who hadn’t lived under the reign of the Alternian Empire and had always been free of Scratch’s shadowed influence. June had always thought that was a good thing – and it certainly _was_ in most respects – but it meant that there weren’t many people around who could directly empathize with what Terezi was grappling with.

She feels like a monster…

Maybe that was part of why she’d been so eager to find Vriska. Not just because it gave her a convenient distraction, but because it also gave her a chance to find one person who’d at least been in a similar position to herself. But June wasn’t so sure that Vriska would necessarily be the most helpful person to talk to in this case, even if she wasn’t… well…

Probably dead.

June sighed and leaned her head back, staring up at the ceiling tiles – counting the ones she could see. One, two, three, four, then a light. One, two, three, four. Another light.

Fuck.

She needed to talk to Roxy. She needed to talk to someone about Terezi. She needed to learn to stop making an ass of herself every single time she opened her mouth. Her phone was in her hand again – she wanted so badly to call Roxy. Or maybe just text her again.

Or maybe respect the fact she’d asked for some space. June pulled up Rose’s name from the contacts.

Rose (@tentacleTherapist)  
  
SUN 11:26 am hey Rose, this is maybe kinda outta nowhere but can I ask you some advice?  
i messed shit up with Roxy and I could use some help. and you're smart and stuff.  
SUN 11:31 am Rose  
You are essentially correct that I am, to quote "smart and stuff."  
Also, I'm aware of the predicament you've found yourself in with Roxy. Specifically because she called me yesterday to explain the situation.  
I'm well aware of the circumstances, and would be willing to offer my advice, were you so inclined to heed it.  
so you know I told Roxy that I loved Terezi?  
Rose  
Yes, that would certainly be included under the overall umbrella category of "the circumstances," June.  
Though I believe the distinction that you specifically called _her_ Terezi and said you loved her is a fine, but important, one.  
what do I doooo?  
i talked to Terezi but... she said some stuff that I didn't think about. she's going through a lot too and I think I made things way worse.  
Rose  
I would say that I'm no expert on relationships, but certain recent circumstances have forced me to avail myself of a bit more knowledge in the subject matter. As a general rule, I try to be well-studied on all matters I involve myself in.  
Obviously hearing one's partner express her love for another woman is... unnerving when that is not an expected or desired outcome. Not to say that you aren't capable of loving more than one person at once. I would caution you that involving yourself in a polyamour relationship will be a unique challenge.  
It requires a certain level of commitment beyond simply "having two girlfriends" as you put it to Jade.  
she told you about that, huh?  
Rose  
We endeavour to communicate in an open and honest manner, yes.  
Although there are... hmm... I'm not sure how much of this I should say. Can you give me a moment please, June?  
uh... sure?  


June put the phone away and began to walk out of the hospital. As she was about to leave the building, she almost walked directly into the troll doctor from the other day – Ketsie.

“Oh, Ms. Egbert, I was hoping that you might be in.” The doctor’s tone was professional, but there was a bit of an edge to it that June was having trouble placing. “I wanted to talk to you about Ms. Pyrope’s discharge plan.”

“Why me?” June stopped and stared at the doctor – she looked embarrassed.

“Well… Ms. Pyrope hasn’t listed anyone as an emergency contact other than a Ms. Serket and she is…” Ketsie shifted nervously. “Well, you’re aware of the circumstances probably better than I am.”

“Yeah,” June said.

“In light of the… strange circumstances surrounding her case, I’m willing to discharge Ms. Pyrope to home care under the provision that she be in regular contact with a doctor and that she has an adequate home support network. Doctor Crocker has already agreed to check in on Ms. Pyrope… actually, she offered to house Ms. Pyrope in her apartment until suitable housing can be arranged.”

That was something June hadn’t considered – Terezi didn’t have a home here. She’d spent so much time off looking for Vriska that she’d never really been counted as a permanent resident or anything. That was going to change… for better or for worse.

“That sounds good,” June said, cautiously. “But why did you need to talk to me?”

Doctor Ketsie made a face that wasn’t quite a frown – she just kind of twisted her mouth off to the side. “I was hoping you could help to check in on her and arrange for others to do the same. Even aside from her… from her attempt on her own life… she’s still been through quite a lot, and she needs friends there who can support her emotionally as she adjusts to life here on Earth-C.”

June stood there looking at the doctor and feeling incredibly stupid. She hadn’t stopped to consider this any more than she’d stopped to think about what Terezi had been going through growing up on Alternia. In her mind, Terezi was back and she just needed to be with her friends and everything was fine – but the reality was that there was nothing even a little bit fine about any of it. Terezi needed more than just a bunch of people pretending they were all doing okay.

The doctor… she’d grown up on Earth-C. She didn’t have any of the baggage associated with Alternia. She’d never played the game. She was nothing like any of them.

“Doctor, can I ask you something?” June asked – her voice sounded sheepish in her ears.

“Of course you can, Ms. Egbert.” Ketsie shifted and put her hands in the pockets of her white lab coat. “As a matter of fact, I was about to break for lunch. Would you like to walk with me to the cafeteria?”

* * *

The cafeteria was in the basement floor of the hospital – June supposed there was probably a reason for that, but she wasn’t entirely sure what it was. The food served there was intended to appeal to a variety of tastes – the hospital had a large number of troll staff, but there were also human, Carapacian, and even a couple consort doctors that worked there.

They stood in line quietly to get food – for Ketsie to get food, anyway. June wasn’t particularly hungry. Navigating around a Nakkodile who was browsing a selection of pastries, Ketsie led June over to a table in the corner and they sat down across from each other. She began to eat her meal… which looked surprisingly like a standard Earth sandwich.

“I thought trolls ate, like, grub-loaf or something,” June said. It occurred to her that she hadn’t talked to her Alternian friends about what they ate. “Guess I never thought about it.”

“Grub-loaf?” Ketsie asked around a mouthful of food. “I don’t know what that is. You know that human and Alternian biology aren’t so wildly different, right? We require a lot of the same basic nutrients, hence our palates aren’t so different. Alternians require a bit more sodium than humans, generally speaking, so our food does run toward the salty. You do realize that our civilization has had thousands of years to develop before you all returned, right?”

June felt her face getting red – it was something she didn’t often think about. “I guess… yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

“So did you just want to ask me about food? Is this your way of flirting with me?” Ketsie smiled, but when she saw June’s face she quickly interrupted her own train of thought. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you!”

“It’s fine…” June shook her head and looked off to the side. “It’s just… I guess I’ve been kinda being a jerk lately.”

Ketsie took another bite of the sandwich and chewed quickly before continuing. “I still don’t understand what you wanted to speak to me about, Ms. Egbert.”

“Can you please just call me June?”

Ketsie nodded. “Okay, June. What did you hope I could help you with?”

“I’m not sure if you could help but… uh… you’re a doctor and all that.” June stammered to the end of the sentence feeling even more awkward than when she’d started. Ketsie smiled at her.

“Yes, I am certainly a doctor.”

June smiled back, feeling some of the nervousness bleeding off. “Okay, yeah! So, I was wondering if you knew anything about how to help someone who’s been through some really bad stuff and feels really bad about it and maybe doesn’t know how to deal with that. Someone from Alternia.”

“Someone like Terezi Pyrope, you mean?” Ketsie asked – June nodded. “I can’t just discuss her treatment plan with you, you know? But…” Ketsie shrugged. “I will say that it’s standard procedure to provide mental health services to anyone who needs them. I would typically recommend seeing a qualified therapist twice a week to start for someone in Ms. Pyrope’s situation.”

“But you don’t understand!” June exclaimed. “After everything she’s been through! She’s… she’s not like the Alternians here!”

Ketsie held out a hand. “June, she may not have the same lived experience as an Alternian who grew up here on Earth-C, but Terezi – Ms. Pyrope – is still a person. People can endure remarkable trauma without breaking, but they have limits and everyone needs time and support to heal. There’s no single _ah-ha_ moment that works for everyone. Some people need more support, some need less. I will say that I think that Ms. Pyrope would benefit from having as many friends in her life as possible. I don’t think it’s privileged medical information that she’s desperately lonely.”

Lonely…

June supposed she hadn’t quite thought about it like that. Maybe because Terezi always seemed so in control of everything – always put up a front of absolute calm all the time. Maybe that was why this all seemed so shocking to her. Because Terezi wasn’t just some little gremlin girl who liked to eat chalk and make fun of Dave Strider – because Terezi was a person who’d been through hell again and again… and she needed people who understood that.

“Yeah…” June trailed off, looking down at the table. Ketsie finished the last bit of the sandwich and gathered up her tray to return it.

“I appreciate the conversation, June, but I have to get back on rotation now. If you want to talk again later, I get off shift at four in the afternoon.” She stood up to leave. “If you want my advice in brief… I’d say you and your friends need to treat Terezi like she’s your friend and not some kind of quirky pet.”

With that last comment, Ketsie walked off to put her tray away and get back to work. June sat at the now-empty table and stared forward.

She has a point though…

As she was thinking this, her phone buzzed to let her know she had a new message.


	13. Third Kind

Rose (@tentacleTherapist)  
  
SUN 11:38 am uh... sure?  
SUN 12:21 pm Rose  
June, I spoke to Roxy at some length just now.  
She is, understandably, quite distressed. I had hoped you were exaggerating the precise nature of what was said between you too.  
Alas I find that not to be the case. That being said... I believe there are some other issues at play here.  
Something which your ill-timed outburst may have shaken loose.  
what does that mean?  
Rose  
You said some stupid shit and she was up thinking all night.  
Roxy has expressed she in no way wants to talk through an intermediary. Nor does she wish to engage via text.  
She wants to meet you at the Carapacian Modern Art Museum at one o'clock. It isn't far, if my assumption that you're in the hospital checking on Terezi is correct.  
yeah, about that...  
the doctor here said some things about Terezi that I think we should all talk about.  
Rose  
Does this have anything to do with your tactless declaration of love?  
no, actually. more like... uh...  
i talked to her and... oh geez  
i think I made a big mistake and was real stupid! she's dealing with a lot and I think we've been just kinda ignoring it!  
and I think she was using Vriska like a crutch and now there's no Vriska and now she wants to die but she can't and she's facing all of the stuff from her past and all the people she killed and stuff  
y'know?  
Rose  
I see.  
That is, as they say, "a lot."  
Let me speak with Kanaya and get back to you. Go meet with Roxy. I think it's important to both of you.  


* * *

A crutch?! June you goddamn asshole!

You don’t think it’s true?

All loved ones are a crutch.

Good, you’re back, I needed someone to hit.

You can’t hit me – we’re literally disembodied right now.

Pretend I’m fucking hitting you then!

Oh no, I’m being hit by an over-excited blueberry-tinted asshole with an inferiority complex who compensates by being as over-the-top as she possibly can.

Are you talking about me… or you?

Anyway, I’m not a crutch! I helped Terezi be the best she possibly could!

Except for all the times you hurt her.

Yes, except for all the… hey, shut the fuck up!

No one can help you now, sister – you’re stuck on this side and there’s no going back.

Don’t fucking patronize me you bobble-headed sack of hoofbeast shit! I’ll claw my way back into relevance if it’s the last thing I fucking do!

Have you considered that maybe that’s not the right thing to do. Even if it is possible… which I don’t think it is.

Despite my general misgivings I’ve been listening to this exchange quite closely. I find myself agreeing with her, Vriska.

* * *

It had always been a mistake to treat the Carapacians as if they were essentially children – something that June never felt more keenly than when she saw the various public works created for the Carapacian Kingdom. The Carapacian nation was a kingdom in name only – in truth the “king” was chosen on a rotating basis to form the core of the political party, which also rotated out regularly. Their job was to ensure that the various public projects stayed on track and to organize party leadership in support of the broader citizenry of the Carapacian “Kingdom.”

Carapacian art, much like the sign-language and quiet chirping sounds they used to talk, was highly symbolic, with each specific choice by the artist carrying a great deal of meaning. Fully understanding the work not only required a knowledge of Carapacian culture, but an understanding of who the artist was as a person. In turn, working to understand the art would then lead to a deeper understanding of both the artist and their place within the broader culture. The two worked together in a kind of dialectic which, when engaged with, would produce a higher understanding of the Carapacians and their struggle as a whole people.

The Carapacian Modern Art Museum (the translation was a rough one – the actual name translated literally was longer and more nuanced) housed a number of these works. As with most things in the Carapacian Kingdom, the works were rotated on a regular basis and moved around to accommodate the work of new artists, as well as to send older works to other locations for public display.

It was a place rich with history and symbolism, and Roxy had worked with the Carapacians enough to be able to appreciate at least some of it. She spoke a good amount of their language, understood their political system, and spent several hours of every day immersed in their culture. June wasn’t sure why she picked this place to meet with her – or even what it was going to be about – but it felt like there was some meaning to it.

Roxy was standing by a sculpture depicting various abstract forms – the signage was mostly in Carapacian, with a bit in English that was too small for June to read from a distance. As she approached, Roxy turned – the look on her face was hard to place.

“Hey,” Roxy said quietly – she didn’t look angry. She looked… June wasn’t sure. A little bit sad, maybe? Or nervous? She couldn’t be sure.

June stood next to her. She wanted to give her a hug – to tell her this was all a big misunderstanding – but that felt like it wouldn’t be right. June wasn’t even sure if it was _true_ or not.

“Hey, Rox,” June said, not looking at Roxy. “You… you wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah.” Roxy was looking at the sculpture, scanning up and down the abstract figures. “June, do you know what this piece is about?”

June shook her head. “No, sorry.”

“I know.” Roxy nodded – it looked like there were tears in her eyes. “The figures look abstract to a lot of humans… but they have their basis in the Carapacian history and language. There’s a kind of non-linear story to the piece – if you know how to read it.”

“Huh.” June stared into the sculpture, but it still just looked like a series of abstract shapes to her. She wasn’t sure where this was going either – why Roxy was even bringing this up and what it had to do with the half-cocked declaration of love to Terezi she’d made the day before. “What does it mean?”

Roxy smiled, and there was a sad look to her when she did. “Do you know how the Carapacians see gender, June?”

She shook her head – it wasn’t something she’d ever thought to ask. “I dunno… wasn’t the Mayor a man or… whatever they call men?”

“Kind of. Carapacians – these Carapacians descended from our session, anyway – have a kind of rough mapping to men and women… except it’s basically a hundred percent presentation and performance. They don’t _have_ distinct biological sexes so they just kind of… are whatever they decide they are.”

“Oh… that sounds nice,” June tried to smile, but it felt insincere. Roxy was still looking at the sculpture, her eyes tracing the form along.

“This sculpture addresses the roles of Carapacian society as they’ve changed over time, going back to the earliest ancestors in their society. The point of it – the core message – is that any member of society can be anything they want. _Want_ is enough by itself.” Tears were trickling down her cheeks and June felt a twist inside of her heart – she didn’t want to see Roxy crying!

Why’d I have to say something so fucking stupid!

“Isn’t that funny – that _want_ is enough.” She smiled again, and this time June thought she saw _longing_ in her expression.

She stood there, smiling wistfully and crying.

“When I met you… you were already _June._ And you were so… I don’t know. When you told me your whole _deal_ with being trans, I guess I felt… I don’t know. I guess I felt kind of… _jealous._ Because you did something I didn’t ever have the courage to do. I was raised by nobody in a nothing world – I had no expectations, and yet I still did. Somewhere in there, it got into my head that I had to be something specific for some specific reason. And I went along with that… because I guess I didn’t really care one way or the other.”

She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the back of a hand, sniffling loudly.

“I spent so much time working with the Carapacians and they just kind of see me as a funny-looking alien and they couldn’t give two shits. And, honestly, no one here gives two shits about this stuff. But I felt weird… because I felt like I had to stick with the selection that I made, y’know?”

She frowned.

“And then… you opened your dumbass mouth and told me you loved Terezi. And I don’t know why you said that… and when I’m done being angry I want to hear it because Rose told me some stuff that makes it sound like maybe you’re going through something right now…” she trailed off and held up a hand, waving it at the sculpture.

“But also, it got me thinking. Why do I give a fuck what anyone thinks?”

June felt confused. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not a woman, June,” Roxy said flatly. June felt her eyebrows perk up.

“Oh, neat! You’re like me, then – I mean, the other way though. Uh… a trans guy!” She smiled.

“No,” Roxy said. “Not that either. Not a man. Not a woman. Not anything. Just… just me.” There was a trace of a smile under the tears on her face.

“Oh…” June stopped – she wasn’t quite sure what to make of this. She knew, at least in theory, that gender was a bunch of fake bullshit. After all, she’d been wrong about hers in the beginning – why did Roxy have to be any different? But she didn’t know you could just… opt-out of it completely!

“What do you want me to call you?” June asked, her voice hesitant.

Roxy shrugged. “Roxy, I guess. I’m still figuring the rest out.”

“Oh.” June looked over the sculpture, trying to see what Roxy saw in it. “What about all the other stuff? The stuff I said?”

Roxy sighed heavily. “I’m not gonna say I know Terezi all that well, but from what Rose said it sounds like all of you that do know her should probably… be there for her. And as far as you go… we’ve got some stuff to talk about, and I don’t want to do it right now.”

“Are you… mad at me?” June’s voice shook as she asked.

With her eyes closed now, Roxy sighed again. When she re-opened her eyes, they were speckled with fresh tears. “It’s complicated, June. Can we please just leave it at _don’t worry about it_ for now? I’m gonna go stay with Callie for the night and talk some things over… we’ll talk after, okay?”

And she didn’t _sound_ mad. If anything, she mostly just sounded _tired_ and June wasn’t sure what to make of any of it. They stood together for a while longer – not especially closer than two strangers who had simply happened into the museum together – and looked at the sculpture. June still couldn’t decipher the meaning.

After a while, Roxy turned and left without another word. June was left standing there by herself, wondering what she was going to do next.


	14. Perspective Shift

What are you talking about? Why would I just let myself fade away? Why _wouldn’t_ I want to come back?

I don’t think that’s the question you should be asking yourself.

Stop being so fucking cryptic!

Fine. I’m pretty sure you _can’t_ go back anymore. So the question isn’t “why wouldn’t I want to” but “how do I accept that I can’t?”

You don’t trust other people, do you?

Of course I don’t fucking trust other people! If you’d been in my position – if you’d had to do what I did – would _you_ trust other people.

I don’t know… but I _do_ know how it feels to be betrayed by someone I trusted… over and over again.

Well if you’re so fucking smart, how’d you do it? How’d _you_ trust people again.

I’m not sure. I just… I realized that not everyone is the same as the people who hurt me.

Easy to say – but what the fuck am I supposed to take from that?

You don’t trust the others to take care of her.

What?

Don’t do this. You know exactly what I mean. You don’t trust anyone other than yourself to be there to support Terezi. You’ve become so attached to that idea that the idea of letting go… it scares you.

Bullshit! I’m not scared of anything!

Vriska Serket – for all your pretense of being a master of manipulation, you really are a terrible liar.

* * *

By late afternoon, June had made her way over to the house that Rose and Kanaya shared. Mostly with each other – sometimes with Jade as well. She hoped it wouldn’t be Jade as well today – June had enough awkward things to talk to Rose and Kanaya about without the sister (who she shared a house with) also being aware of everything.

She stood at the door for far longer than she needed to – her hand was poised to knock but something inside her kept pulling it back.

I don’t want to do this!

She’d hope that when they all got to Earth-C that everything would be fine. The game was over and they’d won – that was supposed to mean everything was better. That was how games worked! You got your nice credit sequence and everything was wrapped up in a nice, tidy package and you put it away on your shelf to gather dust. Nothing bad was supposed to happen after that. No one was supposed to have conflicted, confusing feelings about anything. No one was supposed to try to hurt themselves. No one was supposed to not know how they felt.

June was crying. For all they’d been through, the least that any of them deserved was to be able to have some sense of peace.

She let her hand fall, knocking once on the door. Before the sound had even had the chance to echo into the house, the door opened to reveal Kanaya – her arched brows were knit.

“Please come inside, June.” She stepped back from the doorway. “In case you were wondering, I was definitely not sitting next to this door in anticipation of your arrival.”

June stepped into the house, immediately swept in by the inviting smell from within – a mixture of lavender and something vaguely spiced that June couldn’t quite identify. Kanaya let her down a hallway to a small living room, richly decorated and furnished with comfortable chairs. From her own experiences with the two of them, June knew that this decor was almost certainly Kanaya’s doing.

Rose was seated on a long couch.

“The doctor is in, huh?” June smiled, but Rose didn’t return it.

“Therapists don’t sit on the couch, June. I’m just trying to get comfortable – I’ve been having a lot of pain lately.” She adjusted herself to let Kanaya take a seat on the edge of the couch – Kanaya put her hand on Rose’s leg and squeezed slightly.

Taking a seat on a nearby chair, June looked around the room again. The lighting was dim – the blinds drawn against the afternoon sun and the interior lighting turned down low. Rose closed her eyes and leaned back into the couch.

“We assumed you’d come here after you talked to Roxy,” Rose said, her eyes still closed. “Sorry we’re not being better hosts… there’s been a lot happening.”

Kanaya nodded and interjected – “We have been helping to ensure that Terezi is situated at Jane’s place. Karkat has insisted that he go over to check on her as well. I believe he feels… guilty about what happened.”

Rose nodded. “Yeah… so what do you want from us? Sorry… not trying to be an ass, just… June, please don’t do the thing where you talk around the issue for an hour right now. Please.”

June was about to say something back to this, but she looked at Rose stretched out on the couch and thought better of it. She didn’t look like she was in the mood for banter.

“I feel like there’s a whole bunch of stuff happening around me and I don’t know how to feel or what to do about it. And I want to help the people I care about… I want to help Roxy and Terezi. And I don’t know how.”

Rose smiled. “At least you’re being honest about it. That puts you above most of the people out there. Who do you want to talk about first?”

June hesitated. “I don’t even know… I guess… Terezi? I’m worried about her and I said that I loved her and I don’t even know _why_ I said that exactly!”

Kanaya raised an eyebrow, but said nothing to this. She took a deep breath. “June, there is a lot to unpack from your travel container there.”

“I know!” June bent over and put her head in her hands. “I’m an idiot!”

“I do not believe that,” Kanaya said quietly. “You are a thoughtful and insightful woman, June Egbert – the fact that you do not always respond perfectly after having witnessed one of your friends die does not invalidate that.”

And just like that – she hadn’t even considered it. Terezi _was_ her friend, and she _had_ just seen her die. And maybe that affected her more than she thought.

I felt like the world fell away.

And maybe the fact that all of this had happened inside of a day hadn’t made it any easier to process what was happening. She had no time to even figure out how she felt about anything, let alone be in the position to communicate that coherently to anyone else.

“You must understand the cultural context that Terezi exists within,” Kanaya continued. “We are not so far removed from our Alternian past that it does not affect us. Terezi in particular.”

“I guess… I don’t understand that,” June said. “I mean, I always just kind of thought of her as… as my friend. I never thought about how she was on Alternia.”

“How can you be someone’s friend without considering the context in which they live their life?” Kanaya asked. “This is not a judgement on you, June, but a question of a rhetorical nature. Understand that in our culture, Terezi was raised to eventually become a Legislacerator. She was groomed to see herself as the sole arbiter of just and righteous vengeance on those who would oppose the Alternian Empire.”

“That sounds… it sounds terrible,” June said – her voice was barely above a whisper and she felt a knot in her throat.

“Indeed it is. Alternian culture prioritized stratification of social roles in the extreme at times. In Terezi’s case, this manifested itself in a particularly violent manner. Even at a young age, she was culling fellow trolls for various acts against her concept of justice.”

June felt the knot in her throat expand and she was suddenly fighting the urge to throw up. Terezi at… what? Thirteen? Twelve? Told that she was responsible for enforcing the justice of the Empire. How old had she been when she took her first life? June wanted to cry and she wanted to vomit – that her friend had been forced to become something like that.

Kanaya nodded, seeing the distress on June’s face. “Yes. You see what I mean. Alternian society was a harsh and violent one. It prioritized exploitation and destroyed anything seen as weak. Also, keep in mind how Vriska influenced this whole cycle of events. Vriska was raised to be just as violent as Terezi – as a kind of bridge between the mid and high bloods – one who would be expected to display no weakness or mercy towards others. Her lusus… it made things worse in that regard.”

June knew about the lusus – the hideous monstrosity that had compelled Vriska to feed her ever-growing hunger.

“Also keep in mind the machinations that led Vriska and Terezi into the ever-widening spiral of violence and revenge. They were raised from hatching to see themselves as agents of the Empire, manipulated by forces outside any of our understanding, and pressured to uphold those roles at all costs.”

Kanaya sighed and paused, putting a hand to her forehead.

“I have observed how Terezi is often treated, and many of you are unable to look past her eccentricities and see that there is a woman in there who is deeply hurt and in need of care and support.”

June felt herself getting red in the face – she’d been so focused on the idea of her friend coming back to Earth-C, and then on considering her own feelings towards Terezi, that she hadn’t generally thought about whether or not Terezi was getting what she needed to be able to process everything she’d gone through.

“The last thing I feel needs to be addressed,” Kanaya said, “is that Terezi tied much of her own self-worth to the _idea_ of Vriska. I say it this way because Vriska herself has… or, I suppose, _had_ many issues which she never fully realized herself. Terezi and she are very much alike in many ways, and they bonded quite strongly over this. However, the side-effect was that they were also quite unable to see just how deeply they were affected by everything they had to endure.”

June nodded – when Terezi had lost Vriska, it had torn away something that she’d made a part of herself. It was like losing a chunk of her soul.

Kanaya tilted her head. “I believe that perhaps you and she both responded… imperfectly when she returned to Earth-C. She was distraught over losing someone she both cared deeply about and had a deeply fraught relationship with. You were, I assume, conflicted about having back your friend and seeing her in pain.”

June blushed. “I think… yeah.”

“Of course you love her,” Kanaya said. “That much is obvious. But I do not mean in a romantic sense of the word, but rather in the sense of someone that cares about her deeply as a friend. When she kissed you–”

“She told you about that?!” June exclaimed, her face burning.

“Yes,” Kanaya said without betraying any judgement on the matter. “When she kissed you, you were both perhaps emotionally vulnerable and not thinking in an especially coherent manner. Some degree of poor judgement is to be expected under the circumstances.”

June looked at Kanaya, and suddenly she felt very, _very_ stupid. She’d been chewing herself up over how she was feeling, wondering what any of it _meant_ , and hadn’t stopped to consider that maybe the fact that she’d just hauled her friend out of the burning wreckage of a spaceship and then saw that same friend kill herself… that maybe all of that had something to do with how she was feeling. Maybe she wasn’t processing all of this as well as she thought she was.

“I feel stupid,” June said under her breath. Kanaya leaned forward, but she was smiling sadly.

“June, that is a condition that both humans and Alternians share on a regular basis.”

Rose laughed from where she was sitting on the couch, her eyes still closed and a hand up over her face. “June, I diagnose you with being a human. Sorry, girl, there’s no getting away from it.”

Kanaya smiled. “Indeed. You are quick to martyr yourself on your own feelings for the sake of others, June Egbert, but you are also deserving of love and compassion.”

“Too bad I fucked everything up with Roxy,” June said. “She probably fucking hates me.”

Rose interrupted her train of thought – “Yeah, so… about that. Maybe we can take a quick break and maybe come back to that in five. I need to take something for my head.”

* * *

Rose came back a few minutes later and sat back down on the couch. This time, she sat up and leaned heavily against Kanaya, who put an arm around her shoulder.

“What’s wrong, anyway?” June asked, hoping that wasn’t a question Rose would take offense at. She shook her head and closed her eyes again.

“It’s just… I’ve been getting these really bad migraines lately. Don’t know why, but it just started in the last couple weeks.” She pressed her fingers into the bridge of her nose. “It’s fine. I don’t mind talking to you about this.”

Kanaya rubbed Rose’s shoulders and bent over to kiss her neck. “I’m sorry darling,” she muttered softly.

“It’s okay,” Rose said – a smile traced on her lips. “It’ll be okay.” She leaned in and tucked her head against Kanaya’s neck and June found herself wondering if maybe she should give them a moment. This felt so… intimate.

But Rose turned and spoke to her. “Roxy’s got a lot of stuff going on that maybe you don’t know about.”

June started to open her mouth to protest that no, she and Roxy talked all the time… but she didn’t say anything. It didn’t feel true.

“It’s not your fault,” Rose said. “They didn’t tell you because they don’t feel like they’ve got it figured out themselves. And, honestly, I think they look at you and you just kinda said _well fuck it I’m a woman_ and I think they feel… a little intimidated by that.”

“Why?” June asked. “I don’t care what gender Roxy is!” She considered what Rose was saying. “I love them and I want them to be happy!”

“Yeah,” Rose said with a small smile. “I know. I know you do. But I think it’s kinda like with Terezi – you have to consider the context. Roxy grew up in constant fear – always running away from something or fighting against something. It’s hard for her to open up and trust other people. And that’s not your fault.”

“Shit,” June said quietly. “I told her I loved Terezi.”

“God, June,” Rose said, rolling her eyes. “Roxy’s not stupid. They know what’s been happening and they know you care about Terezi a lot. I think you freaked them out when you said it in the moment, but they understand better than you think.”

“They need time to figure themselves out…” June nodded. “I mean… I get it.” She gestured at herself.

“Yeah, exactly,” Rose smiled at her – it looked painful. “They’re going through a lot and they need support. But also they know you are too. You can maybe see how that could manifest in some degree of conflict, right?”

“Yeah…” June looked down at the floor and frowned. “I just feel like a real jerk is all.”

“Feeling like a jerk doesn’t help Roxy with what they’re going through. Being supportive and apologizing helps. And giving them space. They love you, June – a lot.”

“Yeah,” June said. “I love them too.”

* * *

I’m not lying! You fucking _bitch_ I am not lying!

That’s what the liars all like to say.

Oh shut the fuck up, you.

Vriska, I know you’re seeing all of this the same as I am. You know it’s true.

Shut up!

What are you afraid of?

I already told you – I’m not scared of anything!

You know that losing you relevance… or whatever you think this is about… it’s not the end of all things.

Shut up!!!!!!!!

You’ll be okay… I think. Better than hanging around her torturing yourself, anyway.

Shut the fuck up! It’s not that! If Terezi’s by herself and then something happens it’ll be my fault! Just like it was my fault she was blinded! It was my fault what happened to Tavros! It was my fault that Kanaya didn’t want to be around me anymore! It’s all my fucking fault and I just one time where I don’t fuck everything up and make it worse!

Is that so hard to understand?! That I’m not completely lacking in self-awareness! I know I did bad things and if I didn’t think about the bad things then I don’t have to feel like a bad person!

Fuck!

Great… now I’m fucking crying.


	15. A Supportive Environment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: This chapter contains a brief mention of suicide as well as overall heavy discussions regarding mental health and past trauma.

June walked out of the Maryam-LaLonde-and-sometimes-Harley household feeling... odd. On one hand, she felt like she needed to do _something_ to support her friends and make everything right. She needed to talk to Terezi and let her know that she understood what was going on! She needed to let Roxy know that she supported what they were going through!

But she also had no idea how to actually do that. Everything felt like it was completely out of her hands – issues so large and complex that they dwarfed her ability to cope with them.

Nothing simple…

Not like, oh, fixing an entire timeline!

She almost laughed at the thought – the idea that coping with personal emotional turmoil was more effort than fixing the universe was laughable. Right? Or maybe not – it was easy to dismiss it, but you couldn’t fix people’s feelings with mechanical thinking. You couldn’t just warp around and change the right things and – _presto_ – everything was all better, all the time.

June had to make a choice. She had to decide whether she wanted to talk to Terezi… or Roxy…

* * *

Ah, finally, here we go. The moment of narrative dissonance, at long last!

What? No!

I can sense these things.

You absolutely cannot.

I’m becoming increasingly convinced that you can’t.

I’ve got a special connection to this narrative.

No you don’t. You have a special connection – if that’s what you want to call it – to _your_ narrative. But that’s your story, not this one.

And whose is this? Yours?

Kind of. But also… kind of not.

That doesn’t make a lick of fucking sense and you damn well know it!

Really? Does it really not make sense? Do you think I exist in some hermetically-sealed chamber cut off from the rest of the world? I dispatch all my writing via courier rat at specified times without consulting with anyone, right!

Now I feel like you’re making fun of me specifically.

No, I’m just mocking you. There’s a subtle difference, but I’m sure it slipped right underneath your gigantic brain.

I feel like I might understand this.

Oh now you _understand_ things? You’ve been so quiet this whole time I forgot you were even there, you fanfic-writing candy-coated green-hued gremlin.

You know what? You’re an ass and no one likes you! What she’s saying is… I think… that her writing doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It exists as a sum total of her interactions with everyone she talks to… of her movement through the world.

That’s… more perceptive than I expected out of you.

I think that… maybe my own desire to gloss over the unpleasant world is born partly out of my own isolation. That I have known pain and torment, but never a true sense of community. Our life as cherubs is… indescribably lonely.

Oh fuck this sad-sack bullshit. What’s blueberry slushie over there think about any of this?

Leave me alone.

Oh, what, you don’t have some smart-ass comeback for me now?

I don’t want to talk right now…

Why? You were so ready to run your mouth before!

**I said I don’t want to fucking talk.** Can’t you just let me… I just want to be alone right now… 

As if you deserve that–

Shut up.

Oh, what? You’re on _her_ side now? After everything.

Shut up, Dirk. There aren’t sides here. And for all the talk about narrative constructs, I’m amazed that you can’t see what’s happening here. You’re a fucking jackass.

* * *

She ended up back in the field – the same field she’d been star-gazing in when Terezi crash-landed in the forest. And that was where she sat as the afternoon sun burned overhead, then began to dip slowly down to the treeline. She sat there as the world was bathed in golden-red light that then hued to purple. She sat there as the world grew dark again and the stars began to peer out.

Was she going to see another visitor crash-land from above? Would Vriska Serket appear in a flash of light? Would she turn around and Vriska would simply be there – no explanation… just there?

June turned her head, half-expecting it to happen.

But no one was there.

She checked her phone, half-heartedly, but no one had tried to get in touch with her over the last few hours. They had their own struggles, after all. Their own lives. They existed, after all, outside the exclusive purview of June Egbert. It didn’t help much to think about it – June was still worried about Terezi and still felt terrible about how things had gone with Roxy. Just hearing that it was out of her hands didn’t help much.

She clicked on a contact on pesterMessage.

Jade (@gardenGnostic)  
  
SAT 10:03 am Jade  
just be there for her, okay?  
SUN 9:31 pm you got a minute to talk, sis?  
you're not... uh... busy?  
Jade  
No, I just finished watching a movie with Rose and Kanaya.  
I can talk for a minute. What's going on?  
i talked to Rose and Kanaya today about Roxy and Terezi and stuff.  
Jade  
Oh? How did that go?  
i dunno. left feeling kinda weird. like... I want to be there to support Roxy and what they're going through with all the gender stuff. and I want to support Terezi and what she's going through.  
and I realize I was maybe getting a little weird about how I was responding to Terezi coming back. and she's got a lot on her mind with... a lot of stuff.  
i guess what I'm saying is I don't have a fucking clue what to do here!  
Jade  
God, June. I wish I could be more helpful, honest.  
I'm not gonna lie and say I'm great with this stuff. Like I said some real stupid stuff getting with Rose and Kanaya.  
i dunno. left feeling kinda weird. like... I want to be there to support Roxy and what they're going through with all the gender stuff. and I want to support Terezi and what she's going through.  
but also I feel like a useless dummy and I'm just gonna make things worse.  
does that make sense?  
Jade  
I mean... yes. That's self-doubt, June. That's a normal human emotion. Give it some time, sleep on it.  
Check in on them in the morning and see how they're doing.  
okay - that sounds good. thanks!  
Jade  
Sure! :B  
Hey, uh... I'm gonna go now. I've got something to do.  
oh, sure! something fun?  
Jade  
...  
Yes.  


June leaned back into the soft grass and looked up at the stars. She’d never been familiar enough with the stars of her old universe to truly know why, but there was a strange, unfamiliar feeling to the sky even after living on Earth-C for a while now. It was like someone had re-drawn the sky from memory – the general feeling was similar, but all the details were different.

She sighed to herself… and clicked on another contact.

Terezi (@gallowsCalibrator)  
  
SUN 9:41 pm are you up, Terezi?  
i'd like to talk, if you don't mind.  
Terezi  
LOOK, 1'M ONLY T4LK1NG TO YOU B3C4US3 K4N4Y4 VOUCH3D FOR YOU  
1F TH1S 1S GONN4 G3T W31RD 1'M NOT DO1NG TH1S  
i know I didn't handle that well... like... at all...  
the honest truth... the truth is...  
SUN 9:47 pm Terezi  
WH4T? WH4T 1S 1T?  
4 POORLY T1M3D LOV3 CONF3SS1ON?  
4R3 YOU GO1NG TO M1SUND3RST4ND MY 3NT1R3 SP3C13S 4G41N?  
4R3 YOU GO1NG TO JUDG3 M3 FOR NOT R3SPOND1NG TH3 "R1GHT" W4Y TO SOM3TH1NG?  
1'M FUCK1NG T1R3D, JUN3. 1'M T1R3D 4ND 1T HURTS ON TH3 1NS1D3. 1 W4NT TO D13 4ND 1 C4N'T.  
J4N3 M34NS W3LL BUT SH3 DO3SN'T KNOW M3 L1K3 TH4T.  
SO PL34S3 - T3LL M3 WH4T TH1S TRUTH 1S B3FOR3 1 FUCK1NG BLOCK YOU  
why does this shit always have to be so hard for me?  
the truth is I care about you, Terezi!  
not like being in love with you but I really do care about you.  
a whole lot and maybe seeing you dead in front of me and not thinking I'd ever be able to see you again. knowing I could never talk to you again. even knowing we could never figure whatever weird shit out...  
maybe I kinda sorta really lost all of my shit. maybe I broke down and I was so far gone I didn't even think about using my powers...  
and somehow I don't think they'd work and I was just _stuck_ and you were dead!  
i care about you and I want you to be okay!  
Terezi  
JUN3... YOU DUMB B1TCH...  
oh god I'm sorry!  
Terezi  
YOU DUMB B1TCH... 1'M...  
1'M FUCK1NG CRY1NG - WHY 4M 1 CRY1NG? YOU'R3 SO POS1T1V3 4LL TH3 T1M3 4ND 1 DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO 1T!  
DON'T YOU UND3RST4ND 1'M 4 P13C3 OF G4RB4G3? 1'M SH1T! D1DN'T YOU H34R WH4T 1 FUCK1NG TOLD YOU!  
D1D YOU TH1NK 1 W4S K1DD1NG? 1'V3 K1LL3D P3OPL3, JUN3! 1'V3 K1LL3D _SO M4NY P3OPL3!_  
1'M D4NG3ROUS 4ND 1'M 3V1L 4ND 1 C4N'T 3V3N B3 PUT DOWN L1K3 TH3 R4B1D B4RKB34ST 1 4M SO JUST... FUCK1NG... JUST GO 4W4Y!  
SUN 9:55 pm i don't think you're evil, Terezi.  
i think you're my friend.  
and maybe you did bad things in another life but... didn't you say it yourself?  
if I was taught to kill from when I was a baby, wouldn't I kill people too?  
why do you need to keep punishing yourself for that?  
haven't you already suffered enough?  
Terezi  
SUFF3R3D...  


Her phone was ringing – she looked down and saw the name “TEREZI” burning out in teal on the screen. June wasn’t sure she wanted to answer – if Terezi was angry enough to actually _call_ her then this couldn’t possibly be good. Her heart pounded in her chest and June sunk as far down into the grass as she could.

She answered the phone.

“Hello,” she said into the receiver.

Sobbing. There was sobbing on the other end. Not stifled nor muffled, but the sounds of Terezi openly and loudly weeping into the phone. June wasn’t sure if she was supposed to say something or just listen. The sobbing continued for almost a full minute, then dissolved into pained sniffles.

“How can you say that?” Terezi’s voice sounded low and raw. “How can you say I don’t deserve to suffer? Did you forget to clean out your sound-holes this morning, Egbert? Did you not catch the part where I talked about all the murder I did? Or maybe it was my failure to find the one person who I felt could understand where I was coming from?! Did any of that register to you?” She ended in a near-shout and June found herself wondering what Jane was making of the fact that Terezi was screaming and crying her eyes out in her house.

And all of a sudden, June couldn’t do it anymore. “What do you want, Terezi? Do you want me to hate you? Do you want me to tell you you’re horrible and you deserve to die? You’re never going to get that, because I don’t hate you and I don’t think you’re horrible and I don’t think you deserve to die! I think you’re someone who deserves as much of a chance to live as anyone and I care about you! I know Alternia was horrible and… the way you talked about it in the hospital. I’m sorry, Terezi! I can’t imagine how hard that was for you!”

There was another rough sob on the other end of the phone, but Terezi didn’t say anything, so June kept talking.

“And I don’t know what happened to Vriska or where she is, but you didn’t fail her! She made a choice and she knew there was a risk! How are you gonna destroy yourself over not being able to find her? It was… it was impossible, Terezi.”

The voice that responded was far away – barely audible – and sounded like someone had taken Terezi and drained all the energy from her. “I know that. I was just… I didn’t have anything else.”

“We care about you too,” June said. Her voice wasn’t much louder than Terezi’s. “I do. And Kanaya and Karkat… Rose, Roxy, Jade… we’ve all been through so much together. And maybe I don’t know what it was like to grow up on Alternia and maybe I don’t know how you feel exactly… but I do know that I care about you being okay _now_ and… that matters to me.”

On the other end, there was a heavy sniffle and a long pause. When she spoke again, Terezi sounded like she was about to cry again.

“June… can you come over here for a while?”

Another pause, and June turned it over in her mind. What everyone was going through – Terezi and Roxy. But everyone else too… their lives hadn’t simply become perfect because they won the game. If anything, the complexity was more nuanced now than it had ever been.

I wonder what actually happened to Vriska.

She was well and truly lost. If there was any hope of finding her again, then surely Terezi would’ve exhausted it. If there was anything that June was certain of, it was that woman’s utter dedication to everything she set her mind to. She’d come back for the same reason she’d tried to take her own life – because she felt like all hope of ever finding Vriska was gone.

“Okay,” June said. “I’ll come over as soon as I can.”

* * *

Can they hear us?

Who? June and Terezi? No, I was saying before that–

No. The other two.

Uh… yes? Hold on… I think I can make it so they can’t. At least for a minute.

Why am I here?

What do you mean?

Don’t act all grub-brained here… why am I in this place? Why can’t I see myself? Why can’t I do anything?

Do you really want the answer to that?

_Stop treating me like a fucking wiggler!_

There’s a saying I particularly enjoy – not the implications it brings, mind you, but the way it conveys its message…

_There are some doors that, once opened, can never be closed again._

The knowledge you’re looking for… that door you want to open. It’s one of them. Are you sure you want to step through?

I told you I’m not a wiggler, you prattling bitch.

Fine. You want to know why you’re here? You want to know why you can’t talk to anyone but me and two poorly-disguised stand-ins for two approaches to literary development? Do you want to know why you can’t ever see Terezi again?

Wait… what did you–

Do you _really_ not know the answer to those questions? Or are you simply avoiding it because it hurts to think… because it robs you of that one last chance to jump back into the spotlight and save the day? Because, deep down inside, you’ve been robbed of your chance at redemption…

No…

It’s obvious. Everyone’s figured it out except for you. Except I think you have too – you just don’t want it to be true.

Vriska Serket…

You’re dead.


	16. Different Words for Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: This chapter contains brief mentions of suicide and some brief sexually suggestive dialogue.

Jane answered the door, looking more than a little bit worn out. “Hi, June. Sorry if I look like I’ve been up for the past thirty-six hours. It’s only on account of that I’ve been up for the past thirty-six hours.”

Without saying another word, June stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug. Jane slumped into it and sighed. “Thanks, June. I’m sorry… I’m so gosh darn tired is all…”

“Why don’t you go lie down? I’ll check up on Terezi.” June heard Jane groan. “It’s okay – you’ve done plenty for now.”

Letting Jane go, June stepped past her and into the house. It was neat inside – everything had a clearly defined place and there wasn’t much in the way of excess furniture or decoration. Not really much in the way of excess _anything,_ come to think of it. Jane spent a lot of time out of the house, either working in the hospitals and clinics throughout the Human Kingdom or spending time with various friends.

It was as if she couldn’t allow herself to stop moving, not even for a minute. June found herself thinking for one brief, uncomfortable moment that Jane and Terezi were very similar in that respect. She’d never really talked to Jane about it – about how she was feeling after everything that had happened. And she didn’t really know Jane as much as she’d like either – had never talked about anything particularly deep with her. June was beginning to suspect that this was a running problem with her interactions with her friends.

“Jane?” she asked, turning to look at the woman who was now closing the door and leaning up against the wall, her face lined with exhaustion. “Are you… doing all right?”

“Sure, June. I’m right as rain.” She put on a smile that looked forced.

“I mean, in general.” As soon as she said it, she saw Jane’s face fall a little.

“June…” Jane sighed, but she didn’t answer right away. “I…” Tears forming in the corner of her eyes – she wiped them quickly with the back of her hand. Something about the way the gesture looked – it reminded June of herself in so many ways. “I get what you’re trying to do… and I really appreciate it. We can talk, okay. But not right now. I’m so dang tired and I really do need to lie down. We’ll talk in the morning, okay? I’d… I’d like that.”

Jane smiled, but this time it looked more genuine. “Terezi’s in the living room.”

* * *

That isn’t possible. I can’t be dead! Just or Heroic or whatever fucking _bullshit!_ I didn’t die I just… I just…

You can’t remember what happened.

No, it’s not that, it’s…

I was fighting Lord English, and there was the black hole and…

And you can’t remember what happened after that.

Oh shit… you’re…

You’re right!

What happened to him? Is he really gone? Did he go through to the new universe?!

No. They’re safe on Earth-C. At least safe from Lord English, anyway.

But I don’t understand what’s happening now…

I can answer that one – you are, for all intents and purposes, trapped within a liminal space. A transitory realm which isn’t defined so much by what it _is_ but by what it _isn’t._ A world in which you exist only as a passive observer condemned to watch the never-ending hellscape that is endless coffee shop AUs and wish-fulfillment fluff without ever really feeling that anything is truly _real_ anymore! To exist in a world that doesn’t so much challenge you as simply pat you on the head and hand you a nice lollipop for being such a good boy. Fuck!

He’s… kind of right. I want to say he’s right, but in a wrong way. Does that make sense?

No!

Shit… sorry. So, I say you’re dead but… it’s kind of more than that. Your understanding of the concept of death and the afterlife and dream bubbles and all that is bound up in your own experience, but right now you’re outside of all of that. You’re dead, but you’re dead in a way that puts you outside the world. You’ve stepped backstage, as it were.

God, sorry, I’m starting to sound like _him,_ aren’t it? Spent too much time arguing with him before.

I’m ignoring you now.

But, Vriska, that’s the thing – right now you’re perceiving a timeline where you don’t exist anymore. You were killed in the truest possible sense of the word – you, along with Lord English and a somewhat distressing number of ghosts, have been basically removed from existence.

Does that mean Lord English is out there in some other version of the universe?

Oh boy… how do I put this…

You’d better start actually explaining this bullshit!

There are thousands upon thousands of versions of the universe. Of your universe, anyway – or all universes you could exist in. More of them come into being every day. Some of them grow and become alive – some of them exist for merely a fraction of a cosmic second and then blip out of existence again.

Are there versions where Lord English is still alive? Of course. There are versions where he never even existed in the first place. There are versions of you where you ultimately did find your way out of the black hole – where you did reunite with Terezi.

What does that _mean?!_ Stop being so fucking obtuse and tell me what to do!

…please.

* * *

Jane didn’t bother to show June to the living room – she already knew where it was. Instead, Jane wandered off to go sleep and June cautiously poked her head in the room to see what Terezi was doing.

The troll was sitting on the couch, leaning back with her eyes open. She heard June at the doorway and smiled.

“Hey, June. Thanks for coming over. I know it’s starting to get late.”

June walked the rest of the way inside the sparsely-furnished living room and smiled back. “Yeah. It’s okay… I’m a big girl and I don’t have a bedtime anymore.”

“You humans and your bedtimes…” Terezi smirked, but it died halfway. “I’m serious. Thank you.”

She stood up from the couch and deftly navigated around a coffee table that sat in front of it. Before June knew exactly what was happening, Terezi’s arms were around her waist and she was being wrapped up in a hug. Terezi pushed her head up against June’s chest and closed her eyes, sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” June asked – she was genuinely confused by this. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t fucking know!” Terezi’s voice was rough. “Just for being a pain in the ass!”

She let go of June and walked back to the couch. It was hard to figure out what she was thinking… or feeling. June wasn’t going to make the mistake of assuming too much about her again.

Why does this all have to be so hard?!

“You gonna sit with me… dumbass?” Terezi patted the couch next to her. Her voice didn’t have its usual burned edge to it – she sounded worried that June would tell her that she’d rather not and then just leave.

June sat down next to Terezi and smiled. “So… what’s up?”

Good one.

“I know I’m hard to care about.” Her voice had gotten soft – it sounded like it was coming out of a different person. “I know I’m not easy to… to love.”

June felt a lump in her throat – she managed an _uhh_ but that was all.

“Roxy told me about what happened and… June, I’m sorry.”

June’s face was burning red and she shuffled nervously. “They… told you?”

Terezi laughed. “June, you do realize that we exist outside of you, right? Like, we all talk and continue to exist even when you’re not there watching us.”

“Are they mad?” June asked – she wasn’t sure which answer she wanted to hear more.

After a pause, Terezi responded. “No, June. They're not mad.”

“I still don’t get why,” June muttered, to herself as much as to Terezi. “I basically told them I love another woman. I mean… not on purpose and I don’t… god… I don’t know!”

“June, how many girlfriends have you had?”

The blush deepend. “I don’t… I mean, I definitely have had girlfriends. Plural. I’ve had a bunch of…” She let her voice trail off.

“Roxy’s your first girlfriend, aren't they?” Terezi smiled.

She hated to admit it, because it made her feel more than a little bit silly, but it was the truth. “Yes.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this to a woman who’s more than twenty human years old, but you do know you can love people in different ways, right?”

June sighed. “Is this a quadrant thing?”

Terezi shrugged and sniffed the air pointedly. “Sure, if you want. Do you want to go on dates with me and hold hands and stuff?”

June considered it for a minute – Terezi was certainly attractive, and the idea didn’t sound completely unappealing, but…

“No, I guess not.”

Terezi nodded. “Okay. Well… how about we just hop in the back seat of your dad’s car and really just… go at it. Just _fuck_ like a couple of barkbeasts, clawing at each other like that’s the only way we can really stand each other.”

June flushed deeply and she looked away. For the briefest moment, she could almost _see_ it in her mind – cool gray skin pressed against warm brown skin and the two of them were wrapped up in each other and there was definitely biting involved in some kind of way and…

And it was gone, and she didn’t want that at all.

“No… uh… _no!_ I don’t want that either!”

Terezi reached out and gently touched June’s arm. “I know that. I was just messing with you.”

“It’s just that…” June struggled to recover from the shock of what she’d said. “I care about you, and I feel like I was being really insensitive about where you were coming from. And I lost it when you died and there were so many things I’d wanted to tell you. Just… I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through and you losing Vriska and… oh…”

She clapped a hand to her mouth – she hadn’t wanted to mention Vriska.

“It’s fine,” Terezi said. “I mean… it’s not fine. But you don’t have to act like I’m a wiggler who’s going to cry if you just mentioned her name.” She said it, but there were tears in her eyes.

She kept talking – “I’ve been talking to Jane a lot. She and I… I guess we went through some of the same things. She was literally controlled for a lot of it and I wasn’t. But still… we both did a lot of bad things that we can’t take back. We both wish we could do better, but that’s… that’s a hard thing to actually realize, you know?”

Jane. Jane the doctor. Jane the woman who’d put so much time and effort into learning how to heal others and make them whole again. And it suddenly made a whole lot of sense – why she was so driven. Why she always had to be the best at this. June had assumed it was just how she was – the Girl Boss™ who always got stuff done.

Because that was how she grew up. Expected to act as the heiress to the Crocker empire. Except that wasn’t hyperbole in any sense.

How had it felt to be trapped behind her eyes while she was forced to do unspeakable things in service of the Empress?

June looked closely at Terezi. “I never thought about it like that.”

“June, we’re all kinda fucked up. You ever think about that?”

She didn’t want to admit that she really hadn’t – she’d tried to stay positive. She wanted the people she loved to be okay, in the end. If she couldn’t fill that role with unrelenting positivity, she felt a little bit lost.

“I guess I tried not to think about it,” June said. Terezi nodded.

“Yeah, I did too.”

June almost laughed at this – Terezi had never struck her as the type to engage in unwarranted optimism. But that wasn’t the only way to deny reality – there were other forms of denial. Questing for something you knew full well to be lost…

“You knew you weren’t going to find Vriska, didn’t you?” She saw the wet trails down Terezi’s face as she nodded.

“I didn’t want to believe it but… I… I might not be Rose, but I could see my own path laid out in front of me and… Vriska’s never intersects with it. She’s somewhere else… somewhere that’s all fuzzy and shadowed and…”

She took a deep, stuttering breath.

“She’s dead, June. I don’t know what that means in this specific case, but I do know she’s gone somewhere I can’t go after. And maybe that’s part of why I tried…” she put a hand to her throat and gently rubbed the sides. “But that didn’t work. And I think maybe it wouldn’t have worked to begin with.”

Terezi let out a single, choked sob. “I don’t think I’m ever going to see her again. Even when I do finally die, I think whatever happened means we’re going to be apart forever and… I don’t know what to do with that information. How do you accept the fact that someone you tied your life to is never going to be in it again? How do you deal with the fact that you _know_ beyond any doubt that it’s the truth?”

“I… don’t know.”

Terezi smiled, and it was all bitterness and pain. “Me neither, June.”

June leaned over and hugged Terezi, gathering the troll up in her arms. “I do love you – not, like… uh… not like that, but… yeah…”

Terezi leaned into the hug and sighed. “Yeah.”


	17. Maybe We Can Live Like This

Terezi must’ve been exhausted by everything that was happening too, because she fell asleep on Jane’s couch ten minutes later. After twenty minutes, June got up and made her way out – she tried to be as quiet as possible. Out of the house – out into the dark of the night. She drew in a long breath, smelling the air that was tinged with the sweetness of some flower she couldn’t quite place.

The stars were brilliant – a light-speckled canopy that stretched overhead in that way that suggested only the vaguest sense of familiarity but was, at the same time, utterly alien to her. She loved to look up and wonder what was out there. One day, when things were settled in more on Earth-C, maybe she would reach out to those stars and see what they held.

I wonder if she’s out there, somewhere…

Which, of course, made no sense. Even if Vriska were still alive, it would be in another universe entirely. A place that was, in all likelihood, collapsing in on itself as the hole – punched straight through reality itself – grew ever larger.

* * *

I’ll make you a deal! Anything! Anything you want!

What?

I’ll give you anything if you get me back to her! Anything I can possibly give you! I’ve got… I’ve got power! I’m a fucking god, basically! Luck! You’re a… like a facet of a being from somewhere else, right?

Yes, that’s right.

What do you need?

Even if you could give me something I needed, it wouldn’t matter. What’s done is done.

**_NO!_**

That can’t possibly be true! There’s gotta be some kind of deal we can strike – some kind of bargain! I need to get back to her and you can help me!

Weren’t you listening before?

You shove out of this – weren’t you the one trying to patch everyone’s problems up before? I don’t know how I know that but… fuck! You should love this idea of mine!

I will admit that I was in quite a rush to try to fix things. I even let myself buy into my own lies for a long time. But weren’t you listening to Terezi earlier?

Of course I fucking was! Why wouldn’t I be?!

Because she said something that you needed to hear too. You both did the same thing – you both focused on each other because that way you didn’t need to think about everything that you did.

What the fuck are you talking about? I never did…

...

...

...

Why are you looking at me?! _Why are you staring at me like that?!_

* * *

There was a text from Roxy on her phone – with her heart racing, June swiped open pesterMessage.

Roxy (@tipsyGnostalgiac)  
  
SAT 3:26 pm Roxy  
pls gimme sum space  
SUN 11:13 pm Roxy  
i dunno if ul see this  
but liek i need to get this shit out here  
june i fukin luv u  
i guess mebbe i got freaked out by sum stuf  
plz dont think i hate u, k?  
SUN 11:41 pm i don't think you hate me, Rox.  
i know it's super late but I love you too.  
we can talk when you get this, okay?  
Roxy  
june?  
can u com over plz?  
i wanna talk 2 u  


Her heart didn’t stop racing when she read the message. What did Roxy want to talk about? Were they still angry at her? Had they actually been angry at her in the first place? Was there something else on their mind that they hadn’t even talked about before? June found herself biting nervously at the skin on the side of her thumb – she stopped and took a deep breath, trying to find her center.

Roxy wasn’t far – she could be there in ten minutes if she flew directly. June wasn’t sure if she _wanted_ to have whatever conversation this was, but she felt like she _needed_ to.

* * *

No no no no no…

**No!**

This is bullshit! I don’t run from myself! I… I…

Admitting to faults isn’t the same as saying you’re worthless.

No! This is stupid! You’re stupid! You’re both stupid!

Both? I’m still right here.

You’re _all_ stupid! I’m fine – everything is fine! You’re wrong about me!

Personally I think you did just fine, overall. You lived your ultimate truth.

...

Oh… fuck… why does that sound so _gross_ coming from him?

What is it, Vriska? Do you think admitting to having done bad things makes you an inherently bad person? Do you think it puts you beyond the veil of redemption?

Fuck you! Why would it do that?! Besides… everything I did, I had a reason for it! You can’t hold that over my head!

Having a reason isn’t the same as actions being okay, Vriska.

Shut the fuck up! It doesn’t matter because I’m going to find my way back into that world and go help Terezi and…

I…

I… can’t keep doing this…

* * *

She was back at Roxy’s place and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it. There was a swell of nervousness that was bashing itself up against hopefulness in her heart and she had no idea which one was going to ultimately win the day. June forced her hand up to knock softly on the door. Maybe Roxy had fallen asleep – if they were asleep then she wouldn’t have to face all of this. She would get a reprieve!

The door opened almost immediately, and Roxy was standing there wearing a t-shirt and underwear – they’d gotten ready for bed but they didn’t look like they’d actually been sleeping.

“Hi, June,” they said – they motioned for June to come in and, reluctantly, she stepped across the threshold to the apartment. It hadn’t gone well the last time. It had been… _awkward_ was what kept popping to mind but that felt too charitable.

Across the threshold – staring at the couch where she’d heard that too-soft voice telling her she should go. She could feel the wet heat behind her eyes now.

And arms wrapped firmly around her waist, linked together in front of her shirt. Roxy pressed up against her back, crying. Almost uncontrollably – June could feel their body shaking against hers.

“I didn’t want to lose you, okay!” Their voice was muffled – their face pressed firmly between June’s shoulder blades – but June could make out the definition in every single word. “I didn’t want you to stop loving me or whatever…”

June let herself roll forward with the pressure and twisted, loosening Roxy’s grip and turning around in their embrace until she was facing the person that she loved. She looked down to see the soft brown cheeks stained with tear-streaks – June wiped the cheeks one at a time and then leaned down to press her forehead against Roxy’s.

“It’s been a lot the last couple days, Rox… I’m so sorry.” She kissed Roxy’s forehead gently and saw Roxy close her eyes – they visibly relaxed and June wrapped her arms up around their shoulders and rested her fingers on the back of Roxy’s neck. Roxy leaned forward, burying themselves on June’s chest.

“I was worried!” They said. “I know it doesn’t make sense… I thought you’d stop loving me when I told you! I don’t know why… it’s stupid!”

“It’s fine,” June said. “I was being stupid too, okay? We were both being stupid.”

They laughed into her shirt. “You watched your friend die! Of course that was gonna be on your mind and my stuff… my stuff doesn’t matter!”

June let out a quick _shhh_ and tucked her head down next to Roxy’s. “Yes it does… it matters and you do too.”

The only sound was Roxy quietly sobbing, and June wanted to do something – anything – to help them.

“I was so lonely all the time,” they said. “I barely knew anyone and I never got to see them. And then… everything that happened with the game. And I met you and Rose and all the trolls and Callie… I got to actually start _caring_ about people. And I had all these ideas I just kinda… I dunno… just kinda latched onto and never thought much about.”

They let out a wet sniffle and laughed. “We all got so caught up in everything that we forgot how to live, huh?”

June smiled and pressed her face up against Roxy’s curls, smelling the pleasant scent of leave-in conditioner and feeling the springy coils up against her skin. With a certainty that ached deep inside, June knew how much she loved this person. No matter what – there was something deep there that she couldn’t turn away from.

“I love you, Roxy,” she said quietly – muttering next to their ear. “I love you… just for who you are.”

Roxy leaned their head toward June and sighed, and that sigh lifted an incredible weight from their shoulders and sent it wafting off into the cool night breeze.

* * *

They’re not here right now.

...

I don’t want to talk about this.

Why do you torture yourself like this? What is it you’re afraid of, exactly?

You don’t get it. I deserve to be here.

Also

I’m…

...

...

I’m scared.

I’m scared of what’s going to happen next.

If you choose to let go of all of this?

Yeah. I don’t want to just… stop _being,_ you know?

I wouldn’t have thought that about you.

Ha! I know, right? I’m fearless… except… except when I’m not.

I don’t want this to be it, y’know? I wanted so badly to get back to her… and I feel like I’ve got so much I should be trying to make up for… and it feels like…

Like nothing you do will ever be enough, right?

Yeah. I guess that’s it. And I’m stuck here with the worst version of Dirk, a Calliope who – let’s face it – kinda sucks waste-chute… and you.

██████

What?

My name – it’s ██████. I never told you.

Huh… sounds like her–

Yeah, there’s a whole “thing” behind that. It’s a long story.

Well… not really long, but it’s not one I’m telling. Sorry.

Sure… it’s fine. I’m just…

Scared of dying?

I guess.

That part already happened. Sorry, this is it.

It’s not that though… I’m scared…

I’m scared of not existing anymore.

I know that.

What happens if I lose this? If I let go of it? Do I… just stop seeing anything? Do I become some other version of myself?

I don’t know, Vriska. I’m sorry. This is one of those things where you’re never going to have complete certainty. It’s going to be a leap of faith, and you’re going to have to make a decision… and then accept whatever the consequences are.

Fuck.

I was afraid that you’d say that.

...

...

...

...

...

Okay, ██████ – I think I’ve made my decision.


	18. Where We Part Ways

June woke the next morning to the light streaming in through Roxy’s bedroom windows, dancing along June’s rosewood-hued skin and scattering throughout the bedroom. Roxy was snoring next to her, their chest rising and falling slightly as they breathed. Clothing had been discarded in varying stages to varying points in the room – June wasn’t overly concerned with the specifics. For now, she could feel the warm press of Roxy’s skin on hers and she didn’t want to move. Smiling, June snuggled down under the sheet and rolled onto her side, putting her arms around Roxy.

I love them.

In a deep and fundamental way, she loved them. And, at least in this timeline, it was in a way that was wholly unique. That felt special… it felt like it meant something.

Roxy stirred and opened their eyes – eyes that were smiling at June. She felt her face flushing.

“Morning,” June said. Roxy leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. She closed her eyes and let herself hold onto that feeling.

When Roxy pulled away, they were still smiling. “Morning.” They winked.

“Do you feel better?” June asked.

Roxy’s face changed – the smile dipped and they looked like they were contemplating several things at once. But then the smile came back and it was broader and more radiant than before.

“Yeah, I actually do.” They leaned in and kissed June on the lips again, quickly. The feeling lingered – June felt her heart skip a little bit. “Thanks for…” They blushed. “Thanks for everything last night.”

They paused – sighed. “I think we should go check on Terezi.”

* * *

You’re sure about this?

Yes… I mean… no, but… yes.

But I just want to see one thing first.

* * *

When Roxy and June arrived at Jane’s house, Terezi was sitting outside in the morning sun. She was seated at a table by the small garden Jane maintained out front and eating several slices of toast with an almost absurd amount of strawberry jam smeared on top. She stopped eating as the two new arrivals walked up the path to the house from where they’d landed a few dozen yards away.

“Oh? It’s Egbert… and the less-stuffy of the LaLondes! What’s the occasion?” Terezi grinned and giggled. “Is it my hatching-day already?”

June saw Roxy smile – they looked happy to see Terezi in good spirits.

“Hi, Terezi,” they said. Roxy took a seat in one of the chairs around the table and looked down at the jam-covered toast. “How do you eat that, anyway?”

Terezi picked up the toast and took a bit, chewing loudly. “With my mouth, mostly.” She swallowed and stuck her tongue out at Roxy. “Good to see you too, LaLonde.”

June pulled one of the chairs over next to Roxy and sat down as well, leaning up against their shoulder. The sun felt good in the still-cool air of the morning.

“I like being out here,” Terezi said, sniffing at the air. “It smells nice and I like the way all the birds sound when they’re waking up.” She stopped talking – June looked more closely and saw that the traces of tears were streaking down her face.

“Terezi? Are you…” June trailed off – Terezi wiped her eyes and smiled.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Look, you two didn’t have to come here…”

“Terezi–” June started to respond, but Terezi put up a hand.

“You didn’t have to come here, but I’m glad you did,” she sighed heavily and propped her elbows on the table, resting her chin on her hands. “I woke up early this morning, and I felt… I don’t know. I felt _weird._ I miss Vriska a lot, still. It hurts inside… it really hurts. But also I get why it wasn’t healthy to keep doing that to myself.”

She picked up a piece of toast, turned it over, and then set it down on the plate again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to feel better about everything. I don’t even know if I’m _supposed_ to feel better about everything.” She shrugged.

“I guess it doesn’t matter right now. Jane and I were talking and… she’s nice, okay?” Terezi’s face was definitely flushed teal – her voice got quieter. “And maybe we went through some of the same kinds of things too. Maybe… maybe I guess I’ve got people around me who know at least a little bit how I feel.”

She puffed out her cheeks and let out a long sigh as she leaned forward against the table.

“You’re gonna stay here?” Roxy asked – Terezi shrugged again.

“Sure? I don’t know yet. Jane said I could stick around for a bit. She’s… uh… she’s nice.”

“You mentioned!” Roxy winked and Terezi’s blush grew deeper.

“Shut up, LaLonde – I’m going through a lot right now.” She didn’t sound like she was actually offended. “Anyway, that’s for later.”

“So what’s for right now?” June asked.

“Toast.” Terezi smiled. “I’m eating toast, and then I’m gonna go on a walk and try to clear my head.”

“Do you still feel like…” June trailed off, unsure of how to put it. “You know?”

Terezi cocked her head. “Like killing myself? Yes, a little bit. Not actively, but I do still feel like maybe it would be better to die and maybe then I could be with Vriska and everything would just kind of be okay… except…”

She sighed and folded her arms on the table, resting her head on top of them. “Except I don’t believe that. I don’t know where she is – or if she’s even _anywhere_ – but I don’t believe that I’ll be seeing her again. And… that hurts a whole lot. More than almost anything. But what choices do I have? Keep trying to die even though it probably would just mean I’m completely alone forever?”

She shook her head. “No, I’m not going to do that anymore. I’d rather take my chances with you dumbasses.” She smiled, and there was no edge to her voice.

To June’s surprise, Roxy reached out and placed a hand on her arm. “We’re here for you,” they said in a low voice. “We’re all going through something right now – none of us got out of that whole experience unscarred.”

“Yeah,” Terezi said. “But I’ve been thinking that maybe we don’t all have to deal with that by ourselves.”

Roxy nodded. “I think you’re right.”

They all sat in silence. The morning sun beamed down over all three of them, pleasantly warm and comforting. Terezi sat back and continued to slowly eat her toast while June and Roxy leaned on each other and enjoyed the gentle breeze that was starting to blow in across the nearby meadows.

* * *

She’s going to be all right?

I don’t know that.

No… I guess not. She’s got June… and Karkat, and Kanaya, and Roxy, and… Jane, apparently.

Didn’t see that one coming. Good for her.

She’s going to be all right.

You sound a lot more okay about all this.

I mean… between accepting what _is_ and fighting for it not to be until I can’t even stand to be around myself anymore… is that really even a choice?

No, I guess it’s not.

What about you?

Oh? I’ll still be here. I’m sure this isn’t the end of their stories.

Stuck with Dingus and Dumbass, huh?

No, not really. They’re stuck with each other and themselves, but I’m just in to visit.

Heh.

I’m gonna miss her… Terezi, I mean. I really do love her.

I know.

Good-bye, ██████.

Good-bye, Vriska. Wherever you end up, I hope you find peace.

* * *

June closed her eyes and let the warmth wash over her. They would talk more about this – a hundred times. A thousand. They would all stay up late and cry about it. They would wake up too early and text each other their sleepless thoughts. And they would all have their individual feelings to confront – their personal demons that lurked in the backs of their minds and couldn’t be seen by anyone.

But at least they didn’t have to face those demons alone.

Because there’s always another way.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Reader - as always, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> If you enjoyed this work, please leave kudos and comments! I will respond to comments if at all possible!
> 
> Follow me on Twitter [@AltUniverseWash](https://www.twitter.com/AltUniverseWash)


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